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Tuesday, May 21, 2024
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Satire Seagle

Satire: Pampered white boy says Letts Hall is the hood

Kevin shares his struggle in an underprivileged living-learning community

From the Newsstands: This story appeared in The Eagle's April 2024 print edition. You can find the digital version here

“It ain’t easy living on this side of the tracks,” freshman Kevin Manero somberly explained. A resident of Letts Hall, Manero bravely volunteered to share with Seagle reporters his experience living in the slums of the fifth floor. 

“I didn’t choose the Letts life,” Manero recalled with a sigh. “The Letts life chose me — well, technically I chose the living-learning community ‘God Complex Scholars’ based in Letts, but I mean, how could you pass up the opportunity to feel superior?” 

Though on the surface Letts Hall may seem like an average residence hall, Manero assured The Seagle that he is living in the most abysmal conditions imaginable. 

“The showers are always cold,” he explained. “Just bone-chilling. Okay, maybe not always, but at least like 50 percent of the time. Actually, I guess it’s more like 20 percent. But trust me, that 20 percent ... Anderson could never understand. Some people are just privileged like that.”

Not only do the air conditioning units break when you break them, he lamented, but the custodians took almost two full days to replace the paper towels Manero had soaked and pelted at his friends in the bathroom. 

Furthermore, Manero recalled his shock and disgust last semester when he found a pile of vomit splashed across the floor in front of his room. He condemned the custodians for not attending to the situation and claimed that even though his pounding back of twelve shots of Smirnoff may have led to the unfortunate accident on the floor, American University should be ashamed of the state of its facilities.

“I just don’t understand what’s so difficult about keeping these dorms clean,” remarked Manero. “When I throw up at home, our housekeeper Carla always cleans it up. But hey, I guess when you live here … you learn to be tougher than everyone else.”

Despite his perceived challenges, Manero also stated that living in Letts was just like living “back in the crib in the O-Block.” When asked for clarification, Manero admitted that while his home is technically located in the Chicago suburb of Arlington Heights, he both listens to King Von avidly and knows Black people, making the two neighborhoods synonymous. 

He also went on to boast about an alleged run-in with law enforcement. 

“Yeah, I’ve been busted by the feds before,” Manero said with a nod. “They ain’t shit.” Although Manero once again admitted that his initial story may have been exaggerated, he remained adamant that being written up by the RA over a noise complaint was essentially the same thing as being cuffed on the hood of a squad car. On the bright side, Manero believes that he has identified a way out of Letts by securing a nearby apartment.

“I just pulled myself up by my bootstraps,” claimed Manero. “Kept my GPA above 3.0 so Daddy would buy me an apartment. It’s not that hard. I’m proud to say that the American Dream still exists. All you need is hard work, perseverance and generational wealth.”  

Jack Leary is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for the Eagle. 

This article was edited by India Siecke, Zoe Bell, Jelinda Montes and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing by Luna Jinks, Isabelle Kravis, Sarah Clayton, Romy Hermans and Ariana Kavoossi.

Section 202 host Gabrielle and friends go over some sports that aren’t in the sports media spotlight often, and review some sports based on their difficulty to play. 

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