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Tuesday, April 16, 2024
The Eagle
Satire Seagle

SATIRE: MGC third floor to be converted into rentable workspace

Our resident Kogodesses have big, marketable plans for the out-of-commission top floor of the Mary Graydon Center

Students from all over campus have felt the impact of the sudden, unannounced closure of the Mary Graydon Center's third floor. But are signs warning of “ASBESTOS” and “AGITATED ASBESTOS” and “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT COME UP HERE THERE IS SO MUCH ASBESTOS” in building protocol, or a clever marketing campaign for the third floor's bright, profitable future?

Behind the sudden shutdown is Mike Cuba, a junior in the Kogod School of Business, who has big plans for the space. Cuba told The Seagle that “we’re excited to be breathing new wealth — um, life into the third floor of MGC.” 

“Our plan is simple: we’re bringing that same great MGC third floor musk that we all know and love, but with a twist,” Cuba said. “Instead of having to go through that whole long reservation process to use a room, students can now pay a small door fee, reservation fee and third floor fee to use whatever room they’d like! We're calling it: We Wonk. Because you can’t spell We Wonk without team.”

The Seagle prompted Cuba to share what these charges might look like, but he simply turned around and laughed maniacally into the wind, disappearing behind a moving bus. 

Many clubs that occupy the third floor have been up in arms following the announcement of the monetization of the third floor. AU Improv director Liam Lately writes into The Seagle saying “It’s ridiculous, just ridiculous. Pay to use Wechsler Theater? The theater that already smells like a dead body? Our comedy is good, but not killer.” He continued, “I mean, what’s a guy gotta do to find a free performance space, kill somebody? Kill them dead? Murder somebody in the theater? Kill somebody?” The Seagle did not press for further comment.

The Wechsler Theater seems to be a particular point of contention in this debacle. Artemis Gourd, a freshman in the College of Arts and Sciences, said she feels particularly inclined to keep the space free of charge. “My girlfriend and I love using the theater to watch movies and just ‘hang out.’ Ice Age just looks so much better on the big screen. Plus, it’s the only place we can diddle each other in peace,” exclaimed Gourd.  “Can’t put a price on that.” 

In the process of investigating the third floor conundrum, The Seagle received several anonymously addressed letters. Select passages claimed that “people love We Wonk” or “it’s our wonk and we wonk it now,” or “¡sí se wonk!” But the most striking read “We Wonk is just what we need right now, it accepts the challenge, it dares to know, it’s a $30 million idea! It has to be!”

While The Seagle is still investigating the source of the notes, the letterhead is from “The Desk of the President…”

Aidan Dowell is a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences and a satirical columnist and cartoonist for The Eagle. 

This article was edited by India Siecke, Jelinda Montes and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Isabelle Kravis and Charlie Mennuti.

Section 202 host Gabrielle and friends go over some sports that aren’t in the sports media spotlight often, and review some sports based on their difficulty to play. 

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