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Wednesday, Feb. 28, 2024
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Satire Seagle

Satire: Student Health Center declares a state of emergency as frat flu destroys campus

The student body fights back against the flu with mass migration to urgent care

This flu season saw class cancellations, switches to virtual learning and completely booked Student Health Center appointments as hundreds of students came down with the flu. Due to complete bookings and little flexibility, students decided to group together and Uber to urgent care centers across the DMV. 

After what had been deemed “Halloweekend” by college students last semester, the American University student body was hit by an unrelenting and violent plague. The campus was desolate, buildings were empty and a surgical mask tumbleweed rolled quietly across the quad. It was as if the entirety of the student body had disappeared. 

Seagle Senior Reporter Cooper Anderson spoke candidly about his field reporting in the hot zone at Letts Hall. 

“As we walked by each room, there were coughs, cackles and calls to God to make the fever go away,” said Anderson. “Someone came out of their room without a mask and was immediately sedated and dragged back to their bed by the security team.” 

After about three days, students were mobile again. Groups formed outside the Letts-Anderson quad to Uber to urgent care facilities. Hundreds of masked-up students flooded the main campus quad awaiting their Ubers. 

Anderson caught up with one student waiting: “Yeah, we’ve been wai-[cough]-ting for like twen-[cough]-ty minutes,” the student struggled to state. 

When the Seagle reached out to the Student Health Center, they initially did not respond. The next day, the Health Center called back with this recorded message:

“Due to an unusually high call volume, wait times are extended. Please wait for the next available nurse.”

After the mass email excluding coughing and flu symptoms from qualifying for an in-person visit, masked students protested outside the building. When the protests seemed futile, the students decided to rush the doors in search of cough suppressants and Sudafed. 

After multiple stern warnings were handed out by AUPD for these infractions, students migrated back to their dorms. Luckily, the campus seemed to rejuvenate as November began and another week of scattered online classes and cancellations came to an end. 

The Seagle expects the Health Center to include coughing and flu symptoms as grounds for virtual appointments by late 2023.

Jared Bowes is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and is a satire columnist for The Eagle. This article was edited by Nora Sullivan, Alexis Bernstein and Nina Heller. Copy editing by Isabelle Kravis, Leta Lattin, Natasha LaCha and Sarah Clayton.

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