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Satire: SPA requires great deal of begging to be re-subscribed to digest

Begging, bribing and breakdancing: One student’s attempt to be resubscribed

From the Newsstands: This story appeared in The Eagle's November 2022 print edition. You can find the digital version here

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

Scandal has plagued American University after the School of Public Affairs accidentally unsubscribed students from the digest, a regular email blast which informs students of events and breaking news within the school.

Despite a plethora of emails to those in charge, SPA refuses to resubscribe students to the digest. One student, Eddie Fallden, a freshman in SPA, has decided to share his story with The Seagle in regards to his struggles in trying to stay informed about his school.

On Sept. 6, Fallden decided to finally email the higher-ups due to a concern that he was not receiving regular updates from the SPA digest, while his colleagues have. 

He expressed agitation with the SPA administration for keeping him in the dark. 

“It’s extremely frustrating to see all of my friends informed about literally everything when I'm, like, actively being kept out of the loop,” he said. “I’m used to clear and constant communication from AU, so this period of time has been a kick in the shin if you ask me.”

Eventually, Fallden heard back from SPA in an email stating that he “should be

receiving regular updates,” and that “no unsubscription had occurred,” which surprised him immensely.

A few weeks later, SPA released an email confirming that many students in SPA had been accidentally unsubscribed from the digest and that they should contact Johnny Boys, the senior administrative assistant, to be resubscribed.

When Fallden’s attempts to reach Boys failed, he decided to take matters into his own hands. 

By greasing the hands of a few professors, he was able to get information on a meeting between SPA’s dean and other administrative heads. He patiently waited along with some of his peers who had experienced the same excommunication from the school.

As the meeting let out, Fallden screamed, “This ends now!” He and his posse proceeded to challenge the heads of SPA to a dance battle in order to force their way back into the digest. The dean’s security team attempted to usher the administrators out of the building to no avail.

“They are attempting to silence us! We have to beg, bribe and battle just to stay informed!” Fallden screamed from his pedestal to the rest of the crowd. The posse then began to break dance with a series of successful serves to administration.

After narrowly escaping the breakdance beatdown, Boys sent out a statement the following day. “I know it is troubling to see students go to such extremes to be informed. But this was not enough. If an SPA student wishes to stay informed directly through our school, they must go to the greatest lengths to prove to us they truly desire information. Hopefully this inspires better attempts at groveling in the student body. Thank you.”

The Seagle reached out to Fallden for a response to Boys’ statement.

“Next time I'll produce a one-man, four-act musical and maybe that’ll show ‘em how much I want back in!” Fallden said.

The Seagle expects a sit-down between SPA staff and students in the coming weeks and will provide full coverage.

Jared Bowes is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and is a satire columnist for The Eagle.

jbowes@theeagleonline.com


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