The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
It’s springtime at American University, meaning that the overwhelmingly generous week-long spring break has come and gone. Here is a list of the top five ways AU students spent their time off:
1. Exploring the Asbury building
Students organized a week of investigations into the fabled Asbury building on campus, not knowing what secrets might lie buried within the dark corridors of the structure.
“It looks like one of the remnant apartment buildings from the Chernobyl meltdown,” freshman Katina Lye said. “Sometimes, if you look at it from a certain angle, I swear it disappears like a mirage.”
2. Traversing through D.C.
School of International Service majors planned on exploring D.C.’s cultural and political life over their break, citing a particular interest in the downtown nightlife. They even braved the Metro’s weekend schedule.
“It’s going to be great waiting for the Metro in Tenleytown station for a full week!” sophomore Katrina Hurrie said. “I hear the smell of piss and sewer water isn’t as bad at night.”
3. Boosting immune systems
Many students traveled to Florida for the break to participate in designated spring break party activities, like tanning, dancing on cars, going to a concert or two and contracting newfound variants of the coronavirus.
“I couldn’t wait to get back to campus and not have to worry about mandatory testing,” freshman Irina Jamb said. “Thank goodness we all wear KN95s now, I won’t feel as self-conscious coughing up phlegm in class.”
4. Experiencing peak existentialism
A large number of upperclassmen shared that their plans for the break included sobbing profusely at the prospect of existing post-graduation.
“Every day feels like I’m in the homestretch of life,” senior Anna Syetree said. “I have an internship somewhere, that’s what you’re supposed to do, right? Right?”
5. Advocating for higher tuition
Some students, dissatisfied with the reported increase in annual tuition for undergraduate students at AU, decided to organize peaceful protests over the break to enact some semblance of change.
“We want it higher! We need more public buses in D.C. with President Burwell’s face on them! We need more abhorrent quotes plastered to the pavement on the quad!” chanted junior Eva Kaddow.
Ian Thornbrugh is a sophomore in the School of International Service and a satire columnist at The Eagle.