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Sunday, June 23, 2024
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Satire Seagle

Satire: Nine questions never to ask a graduating senior

‘Are you seeking gainful employment?’

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

Every year, graduating seniors face a barrage of questions from friends, acquaintances and distant family members only seen on major holidays. The Seagle offers nine questions to avoid when it comes to interacting with the soon-to-graduate students in your life.

  1. “What’s up?”

The last semester of undergraduate education is much too stressful a time for social pleasantries like this. 

  1. “Are you seeking gainful employment?”

If the student is, your question will only add unneeded pressure. If the student is not, they won’t change their behavior based on this question.

  1. “How soon are you starting a family?”

Don’t hold your breath. Late-stage capitalism is not particularly conducive to buying a house and raising children.  

  1. “What was your favorite part of college?”

What is the student supposed to say? “Heck, other than surviving a global pandemic and an attempted coup 20 minutes away from campus, things have been swell!” 

  1. “When thinking about political candidates, would you consider the issue of student debt cancellation a high, medium or low priority?” 

Pollsters should take more care to avoid survey questions that give respondents false hope.

  1. “I remember loving my senior year of college!”

Uh… where’s the question? Also, the elderly interlocutor behind this exclamation went to college at a time when college cost less, the job market was stronger and there was no impending doom about the climate crisis. 

  1. “Has your Antifa membership card arrived in the mail yet?” 

For the last time: decentralized, horizontalist, anti-fascist activists do not operate like standard hierarchical organizations. Besides, who uses snail mail anymore?

  1. “What is the difference between open and closed list proportional representation? Give an example of each.”

Graduating seniors have earned the right not to have to answer final exam questions about comparative electoral systems. 

  1. “What time is the graduation ceremony?” 

In all likelihood you’ve already asked your senior this question at least 15 times. 

Owen Boice is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor at The Eagle.

As the semester comes to an end and one of the founding members leaves American University, Section 202 has decided to take a trip down memory lane. For our fans, old and new, who are wondering how Section 202 came to be, this episode is a must. Listen along as hosts Connor Sturniolo and Liah Argiropoulos reminisce about the beginning of Section 202 and how it got to where it is now.

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