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Thursday, May 23, 2024
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Satire Seagle

Satire: Campus-wide email blast ghost writer quits: ‘I can’t take the pressure’

Low engagement rate contributes to staffing change

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

The University employee in charge of drafting email blasts to the entire American University community resigned Wednesday, citing the pressure of the job and the fact that hardly anyone reads them. 

Heidi Greer, AU’s senior communications director, spent the last 14 years drafting hundreds of campus-wide memos that clogged the inboxes of a generation of students, faculty and staff. 

“I can’t take the pressure,” Greer said. “I break my back brainstorming beautiful anecdotes with President Burwell for her community updates and all I get is students poking fun at them on social media.”

A disgruntled Greer said she had contemplated quitting before, but the coronavirus pandemic put her over the edge.

“It got to the point where I was losing sleep to craft the most exquisite prose for University leadership to tell everyone basically to keep their nostrils covered,” Greer said. “Eventually, I realized I’m lucky if students do more than read the subject line and skim the first sentence.” 

Since tendering her resignation, Greer said she had been job hunting. 

“I’m thinking of applying to be a communications director on the Hill,” Greer said. “That should be a relief after dealing with AU students.”

Owen Boice is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor at The Eagle.

Section 202 host Gabrielle and friends go over some sports that aren’t in the sports media spotlight often, and review some sports based on their difficulty to play. 

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