Satire: Library books disappointed no one checks them out anymore

Tensions rise as rogue books take action

Satire: Library books disappointed no one checks them out anymore

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

Books on the shelves of the American University library reported feeling immensely disappointed that no student, faculty or staff member had checked them out in a long time.

“I haven’t been checked out since 2012,” a copy of “Ancient Greek Literature and Society” said. “It’s coming up on 10 years of no physical affection. That really takes a toll.” 


Reference books had the lowest level of student contact, according to interviews with a representative sample of books in each section.

“Those online databases are really what did us in,” said the 1995 edition of “Congressional Quarterly Almanac.” “I’m sitting here dutifully waiting for a public policy student to come pick me up, but instead they just go on the computer.” 

Some books have had better luck.

“I got checked out just last week,” said an excited “Friction: An Ethnography of Global Connection.” “But it turns out the only reason the student chose me was because all of my online siblings were unavailable. It’s a disgrace that we print books are relegated to being second class educational materials.”

At press time, a disgruntled “Marx-Engels Reader” was seen leading other books in the political science section in a revolt against the AU Library computer mainframe. 

Owen Boice is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor at The Eagle.

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