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Friday, June 21, 2024
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Satire Seagle

Satire: A conversation with AU’s 4 most successful fall-breakers

‘Classes are a nuisance to the resume. Now that they’re canceled for the day, go get that Hillternship!’

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

With the first half of the semester in the books, the American University community enjoyed a well-deserved fall break. While many welcomed the single day off, the short nature of the break and the placement at the start of midterms season left others feeling underwhelmed. 

Unbeknownst to many, AU boasts an elite community of successful fall-breakers. These students complete internships, endeavor multiple flights and attend international leadership summits — all during fall break. In an exclusive interview with The Seagle, this esteemed bunch shared their tips in hopes of inspiring new generations of students to come.

Tip #1: Do not sleep.

With only one day of break, the group suggests cutting down on sleep. One fall-breaker suggested eliminating it entirely. 

“I recommend booking a red-eye flight to your destination,” sophomore Steve Lopez said. “I recommend not sleeping on the flight at all. You’ll have a lot to do. In fact, fall break is so short, you’ll practically have to start packing for the trip back on the flight there.” 

He briefly checked his calendar before adding, “I typically begin to stockpile Bang energy drinks at least three days in advance.” 

Tip #2: Do not study.

Sleep isn’t the only thing students recommend eliminating. One student suggests that the most successful fall-breakers forgo studying altogether and fail their midterms. 

“Fall-break poses a difficult ethical question — if you want to do it right, you are going to have to choose between your GPA and your mental health,” said freshman Alison Kwon. “Make the right choice and leave your grades behind! Save the studying for Thanksgiving and winter breaks — trust me, you’ll thank me when you have an excuse to leave the family dinner before yet another distant aunt inquires about your dating life.” 

Tip #3: Get an internship.

On the other end of the spectrum, Ella Harper believes fall break is a day to pad your resume: “You have to make up for all the internships you missed because academics got in your way. Classes are a nuisance to the resume,” Harper said. “Now that they’re canceled for the day, go get that Hillternship!”

The key to securing an internship during the long weekend, Harper said, is to appear enthusiastic during the initial interview, get the job and then suggest one mediocre idea in your first meeting. 

“Make sure the idea is not great enough for your boss to notice when you don’t show up the next day, but good enough so that they can mention it in your letter of recommendation — which you will ask them for around hour three,” Harper said. “It’s a flawless plan.” 

Tip #4: Take it easy.

The most famous fall-breaker of all, Roderick Fitzwilliam Bishop III, suggested students should “just take it easy.” His peers appeared visibly shocked by this response. 

“You see, last fall break I traveled to Uruguay. On the flight, I learned the fundamentals of Korean. On the cab ride, I submitted the manuscript of my first novel to my agent. By the time I got to my hotel last year, I was greeted not only with my acceptance letter to Yale Medical School, but also an overwhelming sense of anxiety regarding my to-do list,” Bishop said. “So this year, I decided to relax. I’ve scaled back on my endeavors and decided to only pursue one goal: developing a cure to chronic kidney disease. Being able to focus all of my attention on curing this illness during my fall break will prepare me for success. In fact, if all goes well, I’ll probably win a Nobel Prize. Hopefully other students can learn from my mistakes and find success this fall break, too.” 

Whether you are a Steve, an Alison, an Ella or a Roderick Fitzwilliam Bishop III, The Seagle hopes these tips will help you begin planning for fall break 2022. It’s best to start planning now. If all else fails, you can always plan to pick up a copy of Bishop’s novel, “The Wasp in Uruguay,” and enjoy a little Friday night reading. After all, fall break is a time to relax and recharge. 

Nora Sullivan is a junior in the School of International Service and a satire columnist at The Eagle.

As the semester comes to an end and one of the founding members leaves American University, Section 202 has decided to take a trip down memory lane. For our fans, old and new, who are wondering how Section 202 came to be, this episode is a must. Listen along as hosts Connor Sturniolo and Liah Argiropoulos reminisce about the beginning of Section 202 and how it got to where it is now.

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