The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
No longer able to hide behind a Zoom screen or “broken microphone,” students anticipate a rocky transition into in-person learning.
While many students mourned the loss of human connection that followed the shift to online learning, others celebrated the excuse to cancel plans and wear a groutfit.
Luckily, The Seagle prepared a guide to help students ease into old habits of putting on clothes and speaking to human beings. Our tried and true tips were tested by a small sample of political science majors and — despite initial doubts — statistically prove to help students make at least 0.25 friends.
Without further ado, please read, internalize and take-personally: The Fall 2021 Guide to Making Friends on Campus.
1. Change your major
In past years, a STEM major may have been appropriate. But in 2021? There is no time for biology and neuroscience. It’s crunch time, and your odds of making friends in any school besides SIS are substandard at best. If SIS completely disinterests you, try adding a minor. The social opportunities inherent within an SIS major are worth sacrificing your personal and professional satisfaction.
Special note for Kogod majors: Unfortunately, Kogod majors are at an increased risk for immediate loss in social capital after mentioning their major in conversation, so it’s best to make the switch before it accidentally slips out in a moment of levity.
2. Be a communist
Don’t be a communist in an authoritarian, USSR, impoverish-the-people-but-hoard-the-wealth-for-the-yourself, every-historical-example-of-communism sort of way, but instead in an idealist, anti-capitalist, education-as-a-means-of-liberation kind of way. When choosing a political ideology to subscribe to, it’s best to stick to the status-quo. Plus, it’s a great conversation starter. If you follow in pursuit of the masses, almost anyone you talk to will agree with you.
3. Fabricate fun facts
The State Department recognizes two types of people during the dreaded sharing of “fun facts.” The first shares a fact that is not fun at all. Typically, they have been to all fifty states or can wiggle their ears. The second shares a fact that is so outrageous and professionally-admirable that the professor often asks them to elaborate. They typically founded a non-profit at the age of three or endeavored a self-guided archeological excavation to “find themselves.”
In addition to the government’s categorization, The Seagle recognizes a third, more moderate type of fun-fact-giver: The Fabricator. Coming up with a fun fact is always difficult, even when drawing from true lived experiences. Cut the work in half by making the perfect one up. Consider trips that are not so desirable as to make someone jealous, but just desirable enough to signal you are (a) well-traveled or (b) rich, but not too rich. Try also adventurous activities that are vaguely-attainable (parasailing?) or a useful talent (sewing?). Whatever it is, The Seagle encourages readers to lie about their fun facts to make friends in class.
Without a doubt, transitioning to in-person classes will be difficult for many. Make it just a little bit easier by heeding The Seagle’s advice. Whether it be an unsatisfactory major or a moderately-enjoyable parasailing excursion the friends will be worth it — all 0.25 of them.
Nora Sullivan is a junior in the School of International Service and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
