The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
A student decided not to initiate a potentially awkward conversation with a classmate he met in a Zoom class last semester by stopping in his path and walking in the opposite direction.
The student, sophomore Herman Hammond, reported narrowly averting social disaster while crossing the quad Thursday afternoon.
“At first I was like, is that Avery from GOVT-110?” Hammond said. “When I realized it was, I did a rapid cost-benefit analysis in my head and decided against introducing myself in person.”
Pressed on his reluctance to interact with a fellow student, Hammond said he felt like he was in a bind.
“If I had said ‘hello,’ what would we have even talked about?” he said. “The last thing I want is to go out on a limb by saying hi and have the conversation devolve into a weird back-and-forth about the weather.”
Hammond is not the only student to report changes in social interactions on campus influenced by the pandemic.
“These masks make it super hard to know who’s who,” junior Jazmine Barber said. “The other day at WONK Burger, I blurted out a really loud ‘hello’ to someone I thought was my floormate freshman year. Turns out it was some random girl I’d never seen before. I guess that’s the last time I say hi to someone in public ever again!”
Some professors reported similar situations.
“You’re nervous about remembering your classmates? Give me a break,” said professor Elsa Lee. “I’ve got upwards of 100 students I only ever taught in 2-inch boxes on the computer last year. How the heck do you think I feel when they come up to me on campus and I have no idea who they are?”
Owen Boice is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor at The Eagle.
