Satire: Catching up with AU’s five science majors

Science students take comfort in their new space away from political science majors

Satire: Catching up with AU’s five science majors

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

Despite its reputation for politics and international affairs, American University boasts a growing population of science majors. A tight-knit community of five, the science students spoke with The Seagle at the grand opening of the new science building last week.

“Sophomore year, I spent $26.99 on a hard copy of Mary Wollstonecraft’s ‘A Vindication of the Rights of Women’ just so I could use the front cover to conceal my Calculus textbook,” rising senior Daniya Newman said. 

While Newman lamented financial losses, others grieved the loss of time spent trying to fit in with their peers. 

“My first year at AU, I struggled to make friends. As an alternative to Greek life, I familiarized myself with common topics in international relations,” neuroscience major Travis Massey said. “I started with the anarchical structure of the global order and spiraled from there, eventually publishing a piece in AU’s undergraduate research journal ‘Clocks and Cloudson the long-run viability of democratic peace theory.” 

Massey looks forward to pursuing his goal of becoming a chemist without the pressure to fit in with the IR majors. 

Other student interviewees included Yasmin Ayad and Nick Johnson, both of whom are data science majors and occupy a unique space between the “in” and “out” groups. While Ayad completes her homework in the bathroom, Johnson opts not to complete it at all. 

“The decision to forgo homework entirely was very hard,” said Johnson, “but ultimately worth the public humiliation it would have cost me to pull up an Excel sheet in public.” Ayad nodded in agreement. 

“But was it worth the internal humiliation of succumbing to the external pressures of the student body and in turn becoming somewhat of an undriven cattle roaming aimlessly towards a false promise of reward?” Massey added. 

Johnson’s face turned red. “Sorry,” he said, “I’m just trying to play devil’s advocate.”

When President Sylvia Burwell finally snipped the ribbon and unveiled the bright halls of the new building, the students erupted with applause. They marveled at their newfound place of study, beaming at the sight of empty tables devoid of IR students and CLEG majors. 

Undoubtedly, the day marked a new beginning for all five science majors alike. 

During editing, The Seagle was informed that there are only four science majors, as “Nick Johnson” and “Nicholas Johnson” are the same person. 

Nora Sullivan is a rising junior in the School of International Service and a satire columnist at The Eagle. 

nsullivan@theeagleonline.com

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