The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
A record number of students disaffiliated from their fraternities and sororities over the past year amid growing awareness of what Greek life actually is.
Among students who disaffiliated, many said they made up their minds when they realized Greek life was more about exclusion and social hierarchy than tabling and partying.
“I’d never thought about it before, but I guess throwing a bunch of 18- to 23-year-old guys in a house with a ton of alcohol maybe isn’t a great idea,” junior Paul Belluci said.
Another student cited financial reasons for disaffiliation.
“Buying into the college equivalent of a gated community just doesn’t make sense anymore,” junior Alice Armstrong said. “Besides, with the money I save from sorority dues, I can invest in something more valuable, like a pyramid scheme.”
As more students develop a rudimentary understanding of what Greek life is, some have proposed that American University eliminates it altogether.
“If you don’t see the harm with frats and sororities, you’re probably in one,” sophomore Selena James said. “Besides, if you still want to be part of an exclusive club, Kogod is always an option.”
Students who still support Greek life have pushed back on the growing consensus that fraternities and sororities uphold systems of oppression.
“I’ve never been a victim of racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia or anything of the sort in Sigma Theta Squalor,” said junior Chad Smith, a straight white male neurotypical student.
One member of the Panhellenic Council gave a strikingly honest assessment of his fraternity’s attempt to co-opt the movement for abolishing Greek life.
“We’re taking a page out of the police unions’ book and suggesting reform,” said Carl Webster, president of Alpha Kappa Chauvinist. “If we can keep everyone focused on how good it is that we’re doing little anti-bias trainings, no one will get rid of us for good!”
To the chagrin of students trying to abolish Greek life, the biggest obstacle may not come from fellow students. At a listening session with students against Greek life, AU spokesperson Debra Keating unloaded a harsh reality.
“I don’t want to burst your bubble, but the University will never agree to get rid of Greek life,” Keating said. “We think of it as a breeding program. Since only the most affluent, well-connected students get in and have copious amounts of heterosexual sex, we’re practically guaranteed a next generation of students to take money from.”
Owen Boice is a rising senior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor at The Eagle.