Satire: Interior design tips for the dorm aesthetic
Childhood bedrooms are so last fall
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
During Zoom school, classes can get really tedious. However, they are especially difficult when you are doing them from the same room every single day. Not to mention it’s normally your childhood bedroom, featuring a terrifying framed picture of yourself that hangs above your bed with the bangs you cut yourself using kitchen scissors in first grade. I know we all need a bit of a change right now, so I’ve rounded up some of the best interior design tips to make your childhood bedroom a little more like an American University dorm room.
- Breed mold
I love to start out with a classic. What would the AU dorms be like without mold? Coming in all types of colors — green, black, white or even red (if you are feeling bold) — this is a great addition to any bedroom. It’s a quick and easy project that just requires a little moisture in some tough-to-reach spots like your window creases, roof or pipes. My favorite way to breed mold is to spill a little water in my window corners and let it lay for the next 48 hours. Next time you check, you should have a little friend that will spread across your house within days. This is the fastest way to achieve the AU dorm aesthetic if you are feeling extra homesick.
- Leave room for rats
This is perfect if you are feeling lonely and need to make your house become more of a home. Depending on your location, this can take a while. However, if you’re lucky enough, leave your front door open for a few days and let nature take force. Hopefully you’ll get a visit from some rats and they will inhabit your bedroom before you know it! Quick tip: breed the mold first. Legend has it that if you breed black mold anywhere in the world, the AU rats will travel by city pigeon to you within 2-3 business days.
- Friday night lights
Throw out your salt crystal lamp. Say bye to your fairy lights. Trash the LEDs. Fluorescent lights are the only way to go if you are trying to achieve the desperately sought after AU dorm aesthetic. This is a little secret that I might regret sharing with you, but the AU campus store actually has a secret sale on all overhead fluorescent lights if you use the discount code “light pollution” on their website for an additional 80 percent off!
- Bop it, twist it, stain it
One of my all time favorite interior design tips has to be this one because it’s a real money saver. Plus, it’s a great art therapy project for when you are burnt out or Zoom fatigued. If you can’t achieve the horror movie-esque 70s decor that is created by the chestnut wood in all AU dorms, try out some permanent stains on the wood that you do have in your room! I’m talking juice, milk, nail polish, glue and makeup, you name it.
- Dumpster diving
Back problems? Need a chiropractor from sitting at the desk all day? Look no further. We all know that what you’re missing is the mattresses that AU generously donates to all of their dorm rooms. While you’re out with your friends thrift shopping, why not make a pit stop at your local dumpster and take a little swim? You’re bound to find a mattress somewhat similar to what you slept in your first semester of freshman year if you’re lucky enough. Remember, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure!
Aliza Schuler is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist at The Eagle.