The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
American University administrators announced a sharp decrease in alcohol consumption on campus this year. They attributed this success to AlcoholEdu, an online training course students take before their first year at AU.
“So far, we haven’t had a single student need an ambulance transport to the hospital because of alcohol poisoning,” Student Health Center Director Jan Rogers said. “This is a record low, and I think it’s a testament to how well AlcoholEdu is working!”
A spokesperson for AlcoholEdu, Todd Robbin, congratulated AU on the decline in student alcohol use.
“We’ve heard from a lot of colleges and universities how successful our product has been, particularly this year,” Robbin said. “But I do worry about what it means for our industry if college students aren’t getting passed-out drunk as much anymore.”
Some students took issue with AU’s explanation of this change.
“This is classic AU to claim they helped stop student drinking,” junior Henry Patterson said. “They literally didn’t let people live on campus, so what did they think was going to happen?”
Sophomore Emily Olson agreed.
“AU’s taking credit for no booze on campus?” Olson said. “What’s next, are they going to take credit for nobody pulling the fire alarm in the middle of the night too?”
University spokesperson Todd Pryor reiterated the University’s stance.
“Any social phenomenon has many determinants,” Pryor said. “However, we know that University leadership’s divine wisdom to mandate AlcoholEdu training is the clearest reason alcohol consumption decreased. ”
At press time, AU administrators received an anonymous tip that they should expect on-campus alcohol consumption to go back to normal next year.
Owen Boice is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
