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Tuesday, April 16, 2024
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Satire Seagle

Satire: AU commits to announcing spring 2021 plans when they feel like it

Decision to be based on mounting financial losses

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

On Tuesday, American University announced when they will announce the much-anticipated spring 2021 plans: TBD.

“We’ll announce the plans for next semester when we feel like it,” said Vera Reeves, an AU spokesperson. “We’re just not ready to announce yet.” 

Reactions from students have come swiftly. “Waiting until the last minute is so AU,” junior Kinga Adamson said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t tell us what’s going on until after the spring semester is supposed to start, based on what happened with the fall semester.”

What Adamson is referring to is the abrupt decision the University made to conduct the fall semester exclusively online. “It really left us in the lurch,” Adamson said. “People I know had already signed leases and bought the desks that they would never study on.” 

Other students expressed similar frustration. “Whoever’s making up their minds, needs to do it faster,” sophomore Chad Swan said. “It’s not like there’s anything important going on that could affect the state of the country in January.”

“I’m sick of Zoom fatigue,” freshman Brett Shaw said. “I want to meet my professors in person so I can complain about how boring they are in real life, not just online.” 

Not all students agreed. 

“With COVID-19 going around, I think AU should take its sweet time,” said sophomore Monique Simmons. “The last thing I want for spring semester is first-years learning that alcohol exists and in the process spreading the virus like wildfire through Letts and Anderson.” 

Even faculty have indicated hesitation at the prospect of returning to in-person classes in the spring. 

“I’m no spring chicken anymore,” School of International Service professor Merle Henderson said. “I’ve been at AU for over 30 years, and I’m not going to get sick with COVID because some University administrators took a gamble on undergraduates looking out for each other’s health.”   

Reeves sought to dispel concerns about the University rushing to reopen. 

“We’re taking the necessary steps to give the appearance that we’re consulting all the relevant health and safety guidelines,” Reeves said. “But if you ask me, the best predictor of when we’ll all be back on campus is the budget. Seriously though, we’re hemorrhaging cash like you wouldn’t believe.” 

On the bright side, Reeves offered a word of hope. “Whenever we do end up back on campus — in January or later on — I know from all three years of experience with college students that they are great at impulse control and following rules.”

Owen Boice is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.

Section 202 host Gabrielle and friends go over some sports that aren’t in the sports media spotlight often, and review some sports based on their difficulty to play. 

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