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Monday, May 27, 2024
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Satire: AU leaves Blackboard for younger, hotter educational platform

The grass is always greener on the next assignment

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

American University has released a statement announcing that they will be leaving Blackboard for the younger, hotter educational platform Canvas. 

“The split is amicable, and a long-time coming,” said AU spokesperson Joe Weiss. 

“We just aren’t in the same place in our lives,” Weiss continued. “Blackboard just isn’t what it used to be.”

The statement released by AU detailed general dissatisfaction with the relationship, citing vanilla graphics and both front and back end problems with the site. The report concluded that it was time to find a new platform that was young and fresh and under 25.

“‘I’ll post it on Blackboard later’ just doesn’t get us going like it used to,” Weiss said. 

Representatives for Blackboard, which has been living with AU for the past decade, told a very different story.

“We are shocked and deeply hurt,” Blackboard representative, Cathy Thornton, said. “We heard rumors that AU had been talking to other educational platforms, but we never thought it would end like this.”

“We’ve spent the last decade pouring our heart and soul into this relationship, and to be dumped so suddenly really stings,” Thornton added. 

But friends of Blackboard said that things started to turn sour a few years back when it became clear that their learning objectives didn’t line up. 

“I’ll be honest, AU and I have had a few conversations that may have crossed the line,” said a spokesperson for online tutoring platform Khan Academy, who chose to remain anonymous. 

“But we shut that down quickly and made sure to keep everything professional,” the source added.

Though the split between AU and Blackboard has been officially announced, the two confirmed that it was going to take a while to disentangle their lives. 

“Yeah, right,” a Quizlet spokesperson said. “We all know they’re still going to ‘see each other’ for at least another few years.”

Canvas was last spotted on a yacht in Miami with dozens of other educational service providers, including SparkNotes, College Board and even Crash Course. 

“It’s like chill or whatever,” said a rep. for Canvas, when asked how they felt about AU and Blackboard being spotted together.

“As long as AU doesn’t go broke or something crazy, we’re good,” the Canvas rep. added, taking off their heels and walking across the street to an Uber that wasn’t theirs.

Bobbie Armstrong is a senior in the School of Communication and the satire editor at The Eagle. 

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