The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Last week, Jack Warner, an otherwise quiet sophomore, decided to speak up in class for the first time all semester. The remark occurred during a normally uneventful Gender in Society class discussion on the gender pay gap.
“The only reason women are paid less than men is because they have kids,” Warner reportedly said. “If women didn’t go on maternity leave, I’m sure they’d earn as much as men.”
Most students did not know how to respond to this.
“I didn’t even know that guy existed until today,” said sophomore Crystal Murphy. “He always sits in the corner — I think this is the first time he’s said anything all semester.”
Professor Leona Vera looked stunned following Warner’s comment.
“At first, I was just shocked that Jack said something at all,” Vera said. “It took me a minute to realize how ignorant and offensive his comment was.”
Warner explained that the class seemed to go by quickly after he spoke up.
“Before I had even finished talking, a bunch of people’s hands shot up,” Warner said. “I could tell from their expressions that they weren’t happy. I guess that’s the last time I’ll say anything in that class.”
As Warner described, some students had immediate reactions.
“This is the kind of bigoted nonsense I’m trying to get away from by coming to AU,” said freshman Colby Patton. “There are so many offensive opinions in the world. Can we at least try to stifle some of them here at AU? I mean, has Jack learned nothing in AUx?”
“I was so upset by the incident that I talked to Professor Vera about it after class,” junior Rachel Walters said. “She mentioned that I could have a dialogue about it with Jack, but I had to remind her that students don’t actually talk to each other face-to-face anymore.”
Sophomore Kyle Vaughn was not surprised. “This whole thing kind of makes sense for Jack,” he said. “On the first day of class, I spotted a ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ sticker on his laptop. Since then, I knew something was up.”
Vera, who hopes that the class can move on after this incident, tried to find a silver lining. “At least I can give Jack some participation points without lying through my teeth,” Vera said. “If nothing else, he got that one kid in the front row who’s always talking to finally shut up for a few minutes.”
At press time, Warner had still not apologized for his controversial comment.
“I’m not going to apologize for something that’s true,” said Warner, explaining that he was in a rush to get to a meeting of the D.C. Flat-Earthers Society.
Owen Boice is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
