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Wednesday, April 17, 2024
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Satire Seagle

Satire: AU-themed haunted house cancelled for being too frightening

Following student complaints, the haunted house is no more

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

Preparations for an AU-themed haunted house were cancelled on Friday, following complaints that the event would be too frightening for some students. 

The event, which was supposed to be sponsored by the Center for Student Involvement, was going to take place on the first floor of MGC on Oct. 31 for Halloween, but all planning was shut down after University leadership received numerous student complaints. 

Many of the complaints were aimed at proposals for specific haunted rooms, which would have forced students to solve statistics problems, listen to the AU fight song on repeat and struggle to connect to the wireless internet, “eagle-secure,” due to error messages. 

“We just didn’t feel like it was something we were comfortable with,” said Wanda Gray, the director of the Center for Student Involvement. “We had hundreds of students complaining to us, and in the end, frankly, we just didn’t want to deal with the headache anymore.”

The students planning the event acknowledged that some aspects of the haunted house may have been too much for students.

“We were going to have this one room be just a plate of soggy eggs from TDR,” said sophomore Melvin Eaton. “I guess AU Dining is too scary for some folks to handle.” 

“We also wanted to have a room with someone dressed as a professor giving everyone a B on their International Relations policy memo,” said junior Macie Saunders. 

“Another room was going to be filled with enough fake one-dollar bills to pay for a four-year degree from AU,” said freshman Clark Hardy. “I have to admit, we weren’t sure we’d be able to find a big enough room!” 

Other haunted tableaus included a replica of a dead Wonk Cat, an internship rejection letter tacked to a bulletin board and an announcement that  Wonk of the Year was being given to a politician no one had ever heard of. 

“We just wanted to have a little Halloween fun,” said student coordinator Emily Fields. “We didn’t think people would take it that seriously.”

Owen Boice is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.

Section 202 host Gabrielle and friends go over some sports that aren’t in the sports media spotlight often, and review some sports based on their difficulty to play. 

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