The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
After releasing a progress report on the University’s Plan for Inclusive Excellence, administrators announced the commitment of $61 million over the next two years to be put towards pertinent initiatives like photoshopping diversity into its recruitment brochures.
“We really want to put our best foot forward in tricking prospective students into believing that we are a diverse institution of higher learning,” said administration spokesperson Cathy Smith. “This investment will ensure that future students will be convinced of AU’s diversity up until the second they arrive on campus.”
The funds are accompanied by a comprehensive 10-step plan entitled “Photoshopping Our Future.” The steps include buying Photoshop, extensive training in Photoshop for 15 new staff members, and “making sure people’s heads on the brochures don’t look like they’re floating,” according to a statement released by the University.
In the past, the University has been criticized for releasing recruitment materials that accurately portrayed AU’s diversity, reflecting deeper structural problems the administration hopes to address through Photoshop.
“You’re joking, right?” junior Brianna Thompson said when questioned on the new initiative. “That’s a new low, even for AU.”
So far, the University has reportedly only completed the first step of the plan, which consisted of purchasing the Adobe suite.
“Buying the program wasn’t that hard, but learning how to use it properly has proven much harder than we initially anticipated,” Smith said. “There’s so many features and we keep getting frustrated and just clicking everything. Then all the people turn into green blobs.”
One of the new staffers hired specifically by the University to work on the initiative expressed disappointment with the diversity of the staff assigned to work on this project.
“Instead of fixing the problem, they’re just creating new ones,” said the source, who spoke to The Seagle on the condition of anonymity. “The entire Photoshop staff is basically all white dudes named Greg who wear stained hoodies and play Fortnite in their free time.”
Smith appeared hopeful about the future of the program, saying that prospective students might actually start seeing more diversity on campus in the next few years.
“Only in the admissions office of course,” Smith said. “But it’s a good start.”
Bobbie Armstrong is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
