Satire: Confused SG senator relieved that government shutdown won’t impact her stipend

Jamie Johnson is humbled to be reminded why she serves in the first place

Satire: Confused SG senator relieved that government shutdown won’t impact her stipend

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

For 35 days the national government was in shutdown, but AUSG Senator Jamie Johnson never wavered and refused to listen to her doubters. Plenty of students tried explaining the government shutdown to Johnson, but each of them failed, and she stayed resilient.

“In moments of turmoil, I like to remind myself why I got involved in student government in the first place,” she said. “Stipends.”

The moment that credit hits her account, Johnson explained, is all the validation she needs to know that it’s all worth it: all the Senate meetings, sponsorships and overspending. All of that service, she said, is for this.

“That being said, the show goes on. I’m brave enough to say I’ll keep serving the student body without the stipend,” she said. “But seriously, I’m gonna need that at some point.”

Life in the AUSG Senate is no walk in the park, she said. The days are long and the workload is mounting. To kill the time until the shutdown ended, Johnson worked tirelessly on Founders Day 2019: a celebration that she says will be the best the University has ever had.

“At about day 29 of the shutdown, I started running out of ways to spend more money,” she said. “There’s only so many Wonk Cat ice sculptures you can order before they start asking questions. Luckily, I had Aaron.”

Aaron Kraft, a sophomore in his first semester serving the community as a senator, was there for Johnson when she needed him most. With fresh ideas and fresh coffee, Kraft and Johnson worked through the night running up an even larger bill for the University.

“Jamie works so hard. She deserves the best Founders Day that money can buy,” he said. “I can’t think of any other way I’d rather use that budget than throwing the dopest party that the second-best Air and Space Museum has ever seen.”

When the shutdown finally ended on Jan. 25, Johnson finally understood what her peers had tried telling her: that she would receive her stipend anyway. After an emotional check of her bank account, she took to social media to deliver a statement.

“This is what we fight for,” Johnson wrote. “I couldn’t be happier that I am, in fact, being paid. Oh, and all those government workers, too, of course.”

Chris Whitbeck is a senior in the School of Communication and The Eagle’s Assistant Editor of Opinion. 

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