The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
The administration recently announced their five-year plan to implement a 10-year plan in five years, give or take a year or two.
“For us, it’s all about timing,” said Cathy Neely, who spearheaded the administration’s effort to release their five-year plan, which she revealed was actually supposed to be announced four and a half years ago.
Neely said she completely understands that a major concern of students is having more olive oil at the salad bar “or whatever.”
“However, what most students don’t understand is that even the most miniscule change takes years to go through our sloth-paced, backed-up system,” Neely said. “This is why we decided to release our five-year plan to implement our 10-year plan now, instead of seven years and four months from now.”
Backlash against the announcement was swift. Student media and advocacy groups are calling for more transparency within the administration, specifically touching on the fact that the plan was announced via Pinterest at 2 a.m. on a Saturday when most students either have their head in the toilet or are hooking up with Brad again.
“I was at a frat party busy inhaling vape, JUUL and weed fumes all at the same time, and you expect me to check Pinterest?” freshman Brittany Rogers said. “I haven’t checked Pinterest since planning my wedding in seventh grade.”
Tom Stone, a member of Student Government, said that what upset him most is his fear that change isn’t going to happen fast enough.
“We have a lot of issues on this campus, and I just feel that spending the next five years deliberating over a 10-year plan that is going to be released in another five years, that will then go through three years of trial periods,” he said before pausing for a breath. “Which will then be reviewed by a board for a year and a half, and then a half-plan to properly implement the first plan will be announced. It all just seems a little inefficient if you ask me.”
Neely said she plans on working around the clock for the next 15 years to ensure the plan is fully implemented by the time the great-great-grandchildren of current sophomores are freshmen.
“We just want our students to have a good college experience,” Neely said. “That’s why I’m happy to announce that we are adding more vinegar to the salad bar in the next three years, pending a full investigation.”
Bobbie Armstrong is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
