Something wicked this way comes — it lurks in our skies, awaiting the return of innocent college students from winter break. It will drop around the beginning of February, wreaking havoc not only upon Washington, but the rest of the East Coast as well.
People will rush to the grocery stores and Terrace Dining Room, which will run out of food within a week. The Metro system will shut down and cars will be inoperable, making the only viable mode of transportation cross-country skiing. Classes will be canceled day after day, while a civil war breaks out at Dupont Circle.
Civilization as we know it will cease to exist and D.C. will descend into chaos, buried under a thick blanket of fluffy, white snow.
Snowpocalypse 2011 is coming — are you prepared? Heed The Eagle’s warning and use this guide to start a survival kit before it’s too late.
Powdered milk
Since the Eagle’s Nest and local stores will face a milk shortage, be sure to pick up at least five industrial-size boxes of powdered milk. Even if the pipes freeze, use the abundance of snow outside to your advantage and mix it in for a truly ice-cold drink.
Hot Pockets
Stockpile as many frozen entrees as will fit in your freezer. Hot Pockets are the best bet because of their nutritional superiority and tendency to make you too nauseous to eat more. Not only will you have enough food to last through the crisis, but you’ll gain some extra padding against the bitterness of winter as well.
10-layer cake
Celebrate the impending end of the world by eating one layer of cake for each day of being trapped on campus. For more creative types, you can decorate each layer with the circles of Hell as you descend further into cabin fever.
Alaskan dog sled
Though snowshoes and cross-country skis will work for a while, save your legs and invest in an Alaskan dog sled with a few strong Huskies. It’s fast, fun and furry — and you’ll look that much cooler arriving at the 2,000-person Dupont Circle snowball fight on a wintry chariot.
Well-stocked entertainment system
Nothing fends off boredom like a five-day Mario Kart tournament. Pit Democrats against Republicans, East Coast natives against West Coast natives, School of International Service majors against School of Public Affairs majors — you get the idea — for the title of Snowpocalypse King. If holding such an event off campus, don’t hesitate to include alcohol to make each game truly warm, fuzzy and much more memorable.
Remember that Snowpocalypse 2011 is deadly in many ways — do not, under any circumstances, walk under campus buildings that seem to be in danger of collapsing. And please, enjoy battling the Snowpocalypse responsibly.
rkaras@theeagleonline.com
