The Rat is clearly more evolved than us. While we huddle in our dorm rooms next to whatever bottle of liquor we still have stored for winter, desperately trying to avoid stepping out into the frozen tundra, they will somehow survive and thrive, coming out to meet us next spring with a hope that this season will bring a bountiful harvest of garbage.
Now is the time to stamp them out, before they consolidate power. Our best weapon against them? The Nutcracker, the famous ballet that I assume is the first musical based on a tool we use to feed ourselves (“Mac the Knife” of course is the second). Here are the recommendations:
Eliminate the Monarchy
Apparently the leader of the mice in the ballet is the Mouse King. Honestly, I don’t know why the mice resorted to an autocratic regime. I’m not even sure how a mouse would justify his dominion. Perhaps he is the divine providence of the Mouse God, who I assume looks like Mickey. But that’s not important. What is important is taking down a king, and history has taught us many ways to accomplish this. We could read them the Constitution — I’m sure the College Republicans would chomp at the bit for the chance — or possibly construct a tiny mouse Magna Carta. Admit it, you’re thinking about it and it’s adorable.
Do NOT use Edible Soldiers
They tried to fight rats with gingerbread soldiers. That’s a worse strategy than the Surge. Unless the gingerbread has rat poison in it, in which case it’s genius. Why didn’t the Nutcracker think of that? This ballet is full of plot holes.
Know when to retreat
After the Nutcracker defeats the Mouse King, the soldiers retreat to their own castle, which is apparently filled with candy and sweet tea and a boat pulled by dolphins. Honestly, you probably won’t find that on campus. The closest thing would be to go back to huddling in your dorm room with the bottle of liquor. For dolphins, I suggest Animal Planet.
mrichardson@theeagleonline.com
