Where is your line?
This question is sparking an entire movement to define sexual boundaries. We briefly touched on the issue of consent in our last column, and we want to dedicate more space to it now.
Take some time to think about it. What situations make you feel sexually empowered?
What could your partner do to make you comfortable and secure enough to have the best sex of your life? On the other hand, when do you feel like you’re out of your comfort zone, when do you want to stop, when do you want to say no? What words or actions cross your personal “line”?
Drawing that line certainly isn’t simple. Just take a look at the recent changes to AU’s Student Handbook — our updated Sexual Assault Policy elaborates on different aspects of consent in a list nearly 10 paragraphs long. We won’t reprint it in its entirety here, but we strongly urge you to educate yourself as students and empowered sexual beings by checking it out.
On the very basic level, AU’s updated Sexual Assault Policy defines consent as “words or conduct that indicates a freely given agreement to have sexual intercourse or to participate in sexual activities.” Pretty good, but we would go a step further and argue that the best consent must be a mutual verbal agreement; ultimately, “conduct” just doesn’t cut it.
She didn’t say “no.”
Even if your partner hasn’t said the word “no,” you don’t automatically have his or her go ahead. Even if you’ve started to hook up with someone and she isn’t protesting, she hasn’t actually given you permission to proceed. Consent is enthusiastic, it’s passionate, it’s a resounding “YES!” that communicates your eagerness to engage in sexual activity with your partner. Because, honestly, why would you want anything less out of a sexual encounter? Sex is only sexy when you’re into it, you’re begging for it, and your partner is totally on the same page. Anything less than that is not only the makings of an extremely less-than-hot hook-up — it’s also not true consent.
If you’re feeling annoyed and wondering if all this “consent” stuff will cramp your style when you try to get laid this weekend — never fear. Getting the go-ahead isn’t about having less sex, or even fewer casual sexual encounters. It’s really about having positive, respectful and safer sex. Seriously, consent can be pretty sexy.
Check in for consent and greater pleasure
Checking in on your partner doesn’t have to be awkward, and it definitely shouldn’t kill the mood. Use any of the following questions while you’re getting it on as a way of obtaining consent, learning about your partner’s wants and needs, and working toward steamier sex for both of you:
“Do you like it when I touch you there?”
“Do you want me to keep going?”
“Want to switch it up and change positions?”
“What do you like?”
“What do you want me to do next?”
“Does it feel good like this?”
And folks, if you would rather die than ask your partner a question like this, you should probably reconsider whether you’re mature enough to be engaging in sexual activity in the first place. The first step to having amazing sex is communication, and that communication should be structured around getting your partner’s approval every step of the way.
Remember that consent is a process! When you move to the next step of sexual intimacy, you need to make sure it’s okay with your partner instead of just assuming. Just because you’ve done one thing with somebody doesn’t mean they want to do another thing.
Respect your partner’s line as well as your own line. Starting to hook up with someone is never a promise that you’ll go further or do certain things. You and your partner have the right to draw your lines anywhere, and you can take back your consent at any time.
Ask for consent early and often, and don’t cross any lines. We promise it will lead to the sexiest experiences of your life, because you’ll be totally in control. And what’s sexier than complete empowerment?
Check out The Line Campaign at whereisyourline.org and Scarleteen at http://www.scarleteen.com/resource/boyfriend/consent_is_sexy for more information about sexual consent and drawing your line. And, as always, e-mail Tara and Ryan with any questions, comments, concerns, or sexual fantasies.
sexwonks@theeagleonline.com
