The house is dark. You are alone. You hear a noise! Never mind, it was nothing. You turn on the television and you see the most fear inspiring, jaw-droppingly terrifying person. It’s Stephen Colbert.
In a recent airing of his late time Comedy Central show “The Colbert Report,” Stephen Colbert (or as he is properly titled, The Rev. Sir Dr.?Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.) announced his March To Keep Fear Alive, his satirical take on the spat of recent rallies at the National Mall, most notably Glenn Beck’s latest performance. Colbert claimed it was a necessary action against “forces with salt and pepper hair and way more Emmys than they need,” — namely Jon Stewart and his competing Rally to Restore Sanity — who are trying to take away our God-given right to fear.
Colbert has received a massive amount of Internet support for the march, particularly from college audiences. In an interview with The Eagle, Colbert discussed what he wanted audiences to take away from the rally.
“I just want them to be feeling,” Colbert said. “They can feel what they want but I want them to be acting out of emotion and not out of reason because rationality gets you things like the atomic bomb. OK? That’s what rationality will get you. Fear of the atomic bomb is what kept us safe in the Cold War.”
He declined to divulge who his guest speakers would be at the march, but rest assured, they will be some fear-inspiring individuals. Colbert also denied that his march is in any way like Glenn Beck’s rally that took place this August.
“Glenn Beck’s rally was a religious festival. He preached and held the Bible. This is not going to be a religious event because I find God to be too soothing and calming,” Colbert said.
Colbert is also encouraging everyone who attends the march to come dressed as the thing that causes him or her the most fear, whatever that may be. It’s no secret what Colbert’s greatest fear is.
“Bears. They’re Godless killing machines. Immigrant bears maybe? Gay immigrant bears? Canadian bears, I guess, would be the short way of saying that.”
And what about his responses to his rival, Jon Stewart, Emmy winner and host of “The Daily Show”? Colbert says we can encourage people to be afraid of Jon Stewart by saying things like “Man, he’s really going gray young, you think he’s okay?”
But why go to a rally for sanity when you can get pumped about being terrified?
“Are you gonna get extremely moderate?” Colbert asked. “No, you gotta get jacked up about something. Which is why I’m offering fear.”
But in the event that something does go wrong with the recently combined event, Colbert is prepared. He warns that Stewart’s supporters may get dangerously reasonable on us and that he will be bringing guards. And should those plans fail Colbert has a solid course of action.
“Bursting into tears and curling up in the fetal position ranks high on my list of backup plans,” Colbert said.
While this march might seem like it’s all fun and fear, Colbert isn’t causing a ruckus for nothing. He encourages everyone who can to visit www.donorschoose.org/truthiness and donate in the name of the March To Keep Fear Alive. Donors Choose is a website where the donor can click on a specific project to donate money towards, whether that’s a new set of calculators for a class of underprivileged children or new books for a school that is really in need. So far Colbert has raised $417,373 from donations from 8,844 people; as a result they have reached 146,645 students in need and is the website’s leading fundraiser. If you’re planning on attending this history making event, Colbert urges people to visit the website and donate what they can.
The march is set to begin at 12 p.m. on the Saturday of Oct. 30, come hell or high water, on the National Mall right here in the District of Columbia and it is free to attend. For more information, fearful participants are encouraged to visit www.keepfearalive.com.
thescene@theeagleonline.com
