Let’s talk about sex, baby
We’re Tara and Ryan, and we want to take The Eagle’s sex column in a new direction this year. That’s why we’re offering a semester’s worth of relationship advice from straight, queer-friendly, Christian-conservative, über-liberal feminist and humble perspectives. We’re two people who admit we don’t know everything and want to own up to our biases and limited experience.
So while we’re being honest, let’s give up our number one pet peeve: lack of communication. If you aren’t happy with your relationship, you should do something about it. If your partner doesn’t pleasure you quite like you can alone, you should say something if you expect change. People can’t read minds or exude their inner sex god(dess) without practice. Too many college-age students dedicate time and effort to relationships that lack healthy communication. If you can’t talk about your sexual needs, what else can’t you talk about?
We consider communication the starting point for practising safer sex. And this column is how we want to start communicating with the AU student body.
Practicing “safer sex”
How are we supposed to have sex, and enjoy it, if we’re also trying to have “safer” sex? Let’s change the mindset that safer sex makes shagging any less fun.
You might have heard it: Condoms take away any feeling. Asking about his sexual history is too much of a mood killer. Cures exist for chlamydia and gonorrhea, so it’s OK to risk it just this once.
Hopefully you can break down each of these statements and see how they detract from safer sex. (In case you want a little help: Condoms are made to enhance sexual stimulation, not reduce it. If you “think” anything about your sexual partner’s past, communicate with them so you can “know” for sure. Sexual activity involves risk beyond just chlamydia and gonorrhea.)
No matter what, the security created by safer sex should make sex more enjoyable. As people better understand their bodily needs and desires, their comfort may allow them to get downright kinky or, at the very least, more confident.
What ISN’T safer sex?
“Practice safe sex” is probably familiar advice, especially if you’ve ever taken a sex ed class, gotten “The Talk” from a parent or simply tuned into MTV. We’re surrounded by cautions to “be safe,” which can definitely be a positive message in terms of encouraging healthy sexual experiences. But it’s an ambiguous message. What does being “safe” mean as a young, sexually active adult? How can you be sure that you’re really practising safe sex?
First of all, we’re using the term “safer” sex in this column, because 100 percent “safe” sex just doesn’t exist. Risk varies depending on each sexual partner’s behavior and personal history. Because everyone tolerates risk differently and takes on the amount of risk that is appropriate for them, we insist that people need to learn how to evaluate sexual risk and identify different considerations in the decision-making process. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions about their sexual experiences, but those decisions should be informed.
Especially during our college years, which can be a time of sexual empowerment and experimentation, it’s important to separate the facts from the fiction. So with the help of Scarleteen.com, we’ve compiled a list of what does not constitute safer sex. Although the following things may help you feel secure within the parameters of society’s vague concept of “safe sex,” they don’t actually guarantee the protection of your health.
Safer sex is not….
- Putting on a condom before ejaculation, but after genital contact.
- Avoiding intercourse while having unprotected oral sex.
- Being “virgins,” especially if you and your partner have had previous partners for other sexual experiences, like oral sex.
- Using condoms after their expiration date.
- Being in love, since an emotional connection alone can’t protect against sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy.
- Being a certain age (“old enough”).
- Looking at your genitals or your partner’s genitals and not seeing anything unusual.
For more information on having safer sex, try the following:
- Attend Women’s Initiative’s consent workshop called “From Hookups to Relationships” on Wednesday, September 8, 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. in McDowell Formal Lounge.
- Check out the online resources at www.scarleteen.com which includes a more comprehensive list on what falls outside of truly safer sex. Make empowered, sexy choices!
sexwonks@theeagleonline.com
