Delivering American University's news and views since 1925. | Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Eagle Rants

EDITOR'S NOTE: The Eagle is not responsible for any of the statements made in any Eagle Rant.

I've been at this school for three years. In that time, I have never seen a more inept Student Government than the Cutter administration. Does anyone know what he has been doing/accomplished?

2Fix doesn't.

Spring hours at the Eagle's Nest are atrocious.

I don't understand why all the members of the sports teams need to just rock their damn sweats all day. Have any of them heard of jeans and a nice top?

A George Washington University student was discriminated against because he's gay. The Hatchet carried the story, the Hoya carried the story, the NW Current carried the story, The Eagle didn't care. When is The Eagle going to stand up for gay rights?

AU wants student involvement in the Strategic Plan, but there has been no student involvement and they release last minute details the day of Spring Break, give me a break!

Student Activities never stays open to 5 p.m., give me a freaking break.

Alex Knepper's articles give me a headache. Why doesn't he have any serious talking points?

Intramural basketball - the game is sexist. Why are women's baskets counted more than men's baskets?

Where's the sex column? Why do other papers have sex columns and The Eagle doesn't? I mean George Washington University is pretty simple: Pay the prostitute afterward. Georgetown's: Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. Catholic University's: It's okay, altar boys do it all the time. AU's: Our Eagle staff doesn't know what sex is, therefore there is no column.

The New Clawed: Seriously? It looks like a drowned pigeon. What a pathetic symbol.

I have had it with the rats on campus. I'm scared to sit on any of the benches or walk around at night and with spring almost here, that's a problem. I recently saw one as big as a wildebeest. It's gross and dangerous. There has to be something that can be done for the kind of tuition this place charges.

Last week my roommate masturbated in his bed when he thought I was asleep. I was wide awake.

My roommate left two half-eaten box lunch sandwiches on his desk for a week. I finally threw them out after the cheese started to melt. Our room now smells like a combination of ham and awful.

Why is it so difficult to open up a new CD? It's impenetrable. I almost cut off my finger when I finally had to use a knife. What's up with this???

Why on earth is AU building more infrastructures and cutting back on institutional financial aid during a recession when many kids might not be able to come back to school? I understand that it's supposed to attract more students, but why not try to retain as much of the CURRENT population as they can? They should be spending that money wooing alumni to donate more and to establish funds for scholarships and grants. Also, a note to financial aid: handing out millions of dollars in loans is NOT financial aid. It's postponing heavy debt.

Rants "cannot contain illegal or defamatory statements -Threaten any person or organization." These attributes are typically inherent in rants as a writing style/genre. Good luck.

Why can't I get Barbie's feet to bend? Every time I try to do it the feet break off and they just don't work so well. What am I going to do?

These damn Animal Crackers. Right on the box it says "Don't eat if seal is broken." I'm going through and eating my crackers and its going fine. Lion, looks great, tiger looks great, the seal? Broken in a million goshdarn pieces!

The Eagle's Nest has the worst types of jellies and jams. I ran out of Smuckers and needed some jelly for my toast in the morning. I tried this Kentucky Jelly and it was disgusting! If I was from Kentucky I would bitch, I wouldn't want my home state associated with icky jelly like that. Eagle's Nest, stop selling KY Jelly!

I can't stand that the study abroad office is so highly commended when its efforts don't surpass that of any other institutions. Students have more requirements to study abroad here than they do at most other schools to study the same material at overseas universities. There should be: 1. Classes that just give refreshers on language that are far less than four credits. 2. Research grant programs for overseas projects (We could use a few more Rhode Scholarships). 3. More open course selections for abroad courses. 4. People actually helping in the AU abroad office, as opposed to it almost entirely being done online.

I am tired of The Eagle not being funny. Can't there just be one page that resembles The Onion ... The whole mock Washington Post thing just makes it look pathetic. Along with rants, allow people to submit satirical articles; there's probably more journalistic integrity in that than in half The Eagle articles.

What if I am threatening the judges at American Idol? Clearly this is not a valid threat. It's not like I'm going to head to Hollywood and try to take them hostage for altering the format yet again and making it even easier to manipulate the contestants so that every possible stereotype is represented in the top twelve. Come on now!

An idea for underclassmen: invite your favorite juniors and seniors to Terrace Dinning Room more! Gain insights and feed the meal plan-less. It's a good in to off-campus dinner parties, too.

College kids are more cliquey than high school ones. Be more open. There are only more friends to be had.

Never miss a story.

Get our weekly newsletter in your inbox.