Listen ... we need to talk.
I really appreciate you coming over here to talk to me and everything, and I would love to go out on that date with you!
Really ... I would.
But I just don't think that you would get to know the real me.
No ... if you really want to be my friend, then let me direct you to my Facebook page.
You see, I find that my Facebook page accurately describes exactly who I am as a human being.
Don't be confused by the babbling dullard now speaking to you. My Facebook persona is much more accurate. Despite what you may think, I can hold a conversation long enough for it to qualify as a conversation ... just only on Facebook, hehe! ... not like the travesty that ensues every time you speak to me in person. Hello ... goodbye! Eek! You see what I mean, LOL. If you are going to have any success in communicating with me, it will be best if we never, ever, see each other face to face again.
Use my wall. Or you can message me if you want to keep it secret. Or we could alternate between the two so that people know we are talking a lot to each other but they don't know, like, every single thing we say.
If you're curious about me, you could check out my info boxes. Did you know my favorite movie was "The Big Lebowski?" And I'm ashamed to admit this ... but I just LOVE "Anchorman." I bet you never would have thought that I had such fratty humor! I bet you thought I was a complete stiff or something! YOU COULDN'T BE MORE WRONG! Look at my music tastes ... nestled in-between a few obscure indie-rock bands is, you guessed it, Britney Spears! LOL, sometimes I think my Facebook persona never stopped being really cute!
Check out my pictures too. You can't tell, but I have actually de-tagged any picture of me where I don't look super-hot, cute and fun! That just wouldn't be the real me! LOL. Every picture there is of me doing something really awesome, or slightly risque or sticking my tongue out at the camera. Facebook me has some attitude!
You could never tell that this barely communicative, embarrassingly shy girl sitting in front of you is even the same person. LOL.
I hope we can be friends? I mean real friends. You're into posting things that you are actually interested in and representing who you are in real life, and I'm not. Haha, opposites attract right? If we never see each other again in real life there is no reason for you to ever know how terribly awkward I really am.
Oh! I almost forgot to mention this. Don't worry about my relationship status. It says I'm married to Dorothy K. Mantooth but she is just my best friend! If you want, I could totally take that down and we could make this whole thing, you know, Facebook official. Haha ;)
You can reach this columnist at eddedpage@thealbatrossonline.com.
