Following the boozy lounge show of the Golden Globes, the upcoming Academy Awards are the pinnacle of movie award season, rewarding the best films of the year in a celebration worth watching as much for its frequently cringe worthy awkwardness as for its glitz and glamour. While the obvious winners may appear to be those who go home with statue in hand, the real champions are those who manage to depart with their dignity still intact.
For every tear inducing acceptance speech, viewers can count on a moment of jaw dropping stupidity to also arise. Based on previous telecasts, there seem to be a few essential rules to be followed if a celebrity wants to be splashed across the trade magazines for all the right reasons. Perhaps Warren Beatty put it best in saying "The Golden Globes are fun. The Oscars are business."
Brevity is the Soul of Television
The Oscar pit orchestra apparently has never heard the concept of 15 minutes of fame. It is instead the custom of the show to give precisely 45 seconds before winners are ingloriously played off. While this rule has frequently caused the interruption of eloquent expressions of graciousness and artistic recognition, it has also managed to save a bit of face for those who might have done better not getting onto the stage at all.
Cuba Gooding Jr.'s raving bout of lunacy in 1997 is the unfortunate example etched into the memory of audiences across the country, as they watched Gooding thank Tom Cruise, God and the rest of the world, before being escorted offstage. In 1994, Tom Hanks, accepting for Best Actor in "Philadelphia" remembered to similarly thank his higher power by turning a nearly poignant and poetic tribute to HIV/AIDS victims, in which he waxed that "I know that my work in this case is magnified by the fact that the streets of heaven are too crowded with angels," into a salvation-fest praising his "gracious creator" a few dozen times. Still, nothing has failed to reach the yawn inducing magnitude of Greer Garson's 1942 speech in which the Best Actress remained onstage for a whopping seven minutes. Perhaps a simple "Thank you," as Alfred Hitchcock put it in 1967, would have sufficed.
Politics and Gold Don't Match
Perhaps one of the most odious Oscar moments of all time was in 1972, when Marlon Brando won Best Actor for "The Godfather" and subsequently employed his Apache girlfriend, Sacheen Littlefeather to instead turn down the statue on his behalf to echoing "boos" from the audience, as she explained his reasons as "the treatment of American Indians" by Hollywood. The real kicker emerged after the ceremony when it was revealed that Littlefeather was in fact not an American Indian herself.
Vanessa Redgrave prompted similar controversy in 1977 when in her speech she spoke of "Zionist hoodlums," causing screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky to come onstage stating how he was, "sick and tired of people exploiting the occasion of the Academy Awards for the propagation of their own personal political propaganda."
Real Winners Are (Usually) Modest
While a small bit of humility is usually appreciated by those picking up their statues, if only to bar a repeat of the awkward seconds which followed "Titanic" director James Cameron's immortally arrogant declaration, "I'm the king of the world!" as he left the stage, some of the most classic moments in Oscar history involve those unafraid of shame. Actor Jack Palance, upon winning for "City Slickers," demonstrated his continuously youthful vitality by doing several one-armed push-ups onstage to the applause of a wildly approving audience.
As Roberto Benigni made his way to the stage to pick up his Oscar for "Life is Beautiful," he proceeded to first jump onto the back of the chair in front of him and balance between armrests before reaching the podium. His heavy Italian accent made his speech almost indiscernible, but his enthusiasm spoke clearly enough.
Perhaps though, the most naked display of brazenness would be in 1973, when a streaker appeared behind presenter David Niven. Niven continued his routine unfazed, pulling out the burning comeback, "Isn't it fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings." We can only hope that things may go so deliciously wrong again.
You can reach this columnist at thescene@theeagleonline.com.
