Greetings from the decks of the pirate ship, "The Lusty Saber." We are Captain Jane De Belleville, First Mate Jack Rackam and Chief Wench Grace O'Malley (aliases, all). We hope you will join us on our high-seas adventures in search of booty. We shall brave never-before charted waters, come face-to-face with the most unruly of seamen and plunge into the hidden depths of Davy Jones' locker (if you catch our drift).
Now that we've set sail and you're aboard, we'll be putting you to work. If you have any questions about sex, love or relationships, e-mail insearchofbooty@gmail.com. We won't disclose your identity, but you can always set up an anonymous account if you don't want us to know your name (we promise not to Facebook stalk).
So, welcome back to the ship! After a nice long leave, you come off from winter break acting like a bit of a landlubber and a little rusty on The Code (of the dorms, that is). While we can't help you settle with the guy down the hall who leaves hair in the sink, we can help you avoid some roommate drama, sexiling snafus and floor-wide humiliation. That said, how does one best have sex (and have the best sex) in the dorms?
It all begins inside your cabin. Know when your roommate will be out and schedule your intimate activities for when your roomie won't be around. Being caught will likely be embarrassing, not just for you, but for your partner as well.
If your roomie's work, class or TDR dinner party isn't enough time for you to get your fill of booty and you need an extended night, beware. Don't leave your roommate hanging - if you want to speak to your roommate ever again, absolutely no sexiling the night before her 8:30 a.m. midterm, varsity volleyball game or internship interview.
Still, how to keep the wrath of a wronged bunkmate at bay? First, agree on a set of basic ground rules. It need not be specific, but you must agree on the basics of dorm-sex etiquette at the start of the year. With a foundation set, be ready to discuss rule changes if the previous rules haven't been working out or your situations change. Make sure you're all on board together, or it won't work.
Second, post all of your schedules in plain sight, including classes, weekly meetings, duels, buried treasure hunts and sports practices or games. Whether separately or all on one calendar, this can be useful in avoiding awkward encounters.
Finally, come up with a secret sign. Hoisting the Jolly Roger or dangling a solo sock from the doorknob is a little obvious - instead, make it a secret signal that only you and your roommate know. Still, it should be obvious enough that they will have to take notice of it before entering, even if they are gabbing on the phone and not paying attention.
It is also important to be considerate of your floor mates, and there are a few techniques to keep your neighbors happy. Though personal preferences differ, loud sex may bring a frenzy of unwanted attention, a reputation as "that person" on the floor and can be bothersome to your neighbors who are studying, sleeping or simply jealous of your between-the-sheets activities. Thus, the screaming and howler monkey impersonations should be left for cheap motel rooms or houses with space between the sleeping areas - AU's dorm walls are quite thin. To reduce bed squeaking, the experts tell us to tighten the bolts, duct tape the metal springs and put towels around the edges of where the bed frame and bed springs meet to dampen the noise. If these strategies fail, you can always move a blanket and some fluffy pillows (lots of them!) to the floor for squeak-free fun.
And remember pirates, keep it safe and stay smart. E-mail us your questions or concerns at insearchofbooty@gmail.com, but remember your dorm and apartment etiquette: When this boat starts a-rockin,' don't come a-knockin'.
