I have avoided the topic of eating disorders in my columns because the subject is unfortunately very personal to me. I have struggled with an eating disorder in the past and wasn't sure if I was ready to share this part of me that stays far under the surface.
As many as 10 million females and one million males fight with an eating disorder, according to the National Eating Disorders Association. I am only one person, so I cannot possibly speak for the other millions of individuals who struggle with eating disorders. But I would never want anyone to have to deal with an eating disorder, and so I am going to share some of my story in the hopes that people will better understand them, find the courage to talk about them and realize that, if you have an eating disorder, you're not alone.
I can't pinpoint when or why my eating disorder started, but I knew I was scared by it. It wasn't like my family to have this kind of tough issue, and I immediately felt the need to hide it and deal with it myself. When my parents found out that I was bulimic, I convinced them it had been a one-time thing and that I would never do it again. They believed me because they didn't know what else to do.
I have a younger sister, and I constantly felt strong competition with her. The summer before my junior year of high school, she and I fought constantly about food and spent the entire summer trying to outrun each other and lose more weight. I lost 10 pounds that summer and felt great about myself. I was running during the day and playing tennis almost every night.
When I went back to school that year, I put all the weight back on. I felt fat and pathetic and self-conscious. It seemed like I was heavier than everyone I hung out with, and I started to hate myself for being unable to lose the weight again.
During my junior year of high school, things escalated quickly. When it first started, it was definitely about the food. It was liberating to know that I could eat what I wanted and not worry about it. I loved how empty I felt afterward and how I wouldn't be hungry for the rest of the day.
Somehow, I managed to keep this a secret from everyone, which made it worse. I was disgusted that I actually enjoyed doing this to myself. I always felt guilty and feared that every time my parents wanted to talk to me, they would be sending me to some treatment facility in the middle of nowhere.
The worst part about an eating disorder is when it's not about the food anymore. Most psychiatrists say that it is never about the food in the first place, but I disagree. It gradually becomes less about the food and more about fulfilling a need. I did not have any traumatic events in my past that I needed to smother with an eating disorder; it just seemed to transition into an awful habit and addiction.
What saddens me most about my eating disorder is how alone I felt in it. I established from the start that I was not the type of person who had an eating disorder, and so I just denied it to everyone and dealt with it on my own. In the end, it made it a lot worse than it could have been.
I want people to understand that having an eating disorder doesn't define a person or make them weak. Overcoming my eating disorder has made me appreciate being healthy and has taught me that health is so much more than just how you look.
I regret every minute I've wasted being unhappy with my body and being self-destructive to try and change it. The ultimate goal for health is to be happy with the way that you are. I hope that you can make fitness and health goals that support that endeavor. My hope is that these articles have encouraged you to think about what health really is, and I hope that you can find happiness and peace with yourself.
If you have an eating disorder or know someone who does, there are many resources available to you. The most important way to help is to talk about it, but Web sites like something-fishy.org and healthyplace.com can help you find information and added support.
