Tourists: there's nothing like them. They crowd around old pieces of stone, polluted and picturesque waterways and buy overpriced kitsch to take home to their nearest and dearest. (Plastic pyramid snow globes, anyone? Or maybe a T-shirt with a photo of a camel in lewd karmic poses?)
The general horror over most tourists is multiplied, quite literally, by the fact that they travel in hulking charter buses. Yes, chartered tours make Egypt less intimidating, but nothing is more fearsome than the sight of a 40-person magenta bus, knowing that the moment that bus stops, a rush of bodies will spring forth like a horde of baby spiders on hatching day.
Don't get me wrong, not all tourists are this way, but the majority of them can be grouped into one of the following six categories.
First: Japanese and Chinese tour groups. I know it is politically incorrect to group these two categories together but they do share a number of similarities in travel style. White gloves, a virtual sea of black or floral umbrellas, all quickly unfurled upon as they step off the obligatory tour bus and the occasional white surgical facemask. And while the white mask is a little off-putting, unlike many of their Western counterparts, they will almost assuredly wear appropriate clothing.
Second: baby-boomers and retired Americans, who can generally be found stalking back and forth between an "impressive" sight and a somewhat-less impressive bus labeled "Oriental Delights" or "Pharaonic Fun!" They are best identified by their lion hunt-wear, a cross between Teddy Roosevelt and Indiana Jones, and their pudgy midsections. The first and most vital piece of gear is the classic khaki safari vest, complete with eight pockets, a storage strip for hunting shells and a special waterproof pouch for important documents. Next, a set of khaki cargos for the men and capris for the women, preferably accompanied by either a pair of stout hiking boots or Tevas. An ever-sexy fanny pack completes the ensemble.
Third: the younger Europeans, of which Russians are the most obvious subgroup. I say obvious subgroup as these youth make their often under-clad American counterparts look modest. Yes, it's hot out and yes, you are free to wear whatever you want (I won't go so far as to say Egypt's a free country - it's not), but are backless tank-tops, exposed bra straps, booty shorts and thong lines the best idea in a conservative Muslim country? Maybe not. I've seen enough skin in Luxor to rival the beaches of the Riviera or the Black Sea.
Fourth: the middle-aged or elderly Europeans. This group combines a number of characteristics found in other groups. How? Because they show up underdressed, tacky and matching. Oh yes, matching. For this trait, please reference my favorite Dutch crew, complete with patriotic orange tiny shorts (they were at least 45), an orange wifebeater on the female, and the tr?s chic addition of a thorn tattoo sticking out from underneath her bottoms. And don't get me started on heavily made-up women tripping down tomb corridors in four-inch heels. The Europeans are making the Americans look good, and that's saying something.
Lastly: the study abroad students. Yes, we travel in large numbers and are likely to get into arguments about hieroglyphic significance. We can also be heard attempting to communicate in stilted Arabic. Oh, and we're also the ones hiding behind the columns at Hapshetsut's temple laughing hysterically - and if you fit into any of the above categories, it might be at you.
