In honor of the Super Bowl, we bring back a feature that's an oldie but a goodie: Move Matches.
We all know the big game is the largest viewing event of the year. Whether it's the game, the commercials or just complaining how terrible the football and commercials are, there's usually something for everyone. The only thing people enjoy more than Super Bowl parties is cinematic adventure. With that in mind, a combination of these two American pastimes is in order. Here are some of the finest performances by NFL players in movie history. These examples combine the eloquence of film as a communicative medium with the incoherent speech patterns of oft-concussed athletes.
Dan Marino in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" (1994)
Dan Marino broke the stereotypical white quarterback cameo barrier that paved the way for future QBs with gaudy numbers but forgettable wins to appear not simply in feature films, but also as television pitchmen who hawk products while posing as '70s porn stars. You have to give Marino credit, though. If he hadn't been so perceptive, Ray Finkle might yet have "Silence of the Lambs"'ed his way to freedom, prosperity and unwitting molestation of many more of Miami's finest police officers.
Brett Favre in "There's Something About Mary" (1998)
Much like the last three years of his career, Brett Favre's acting in this film is reminiscent of a J.J. Abrams series: initial excitement overcome by a slow feeling of disappointment and ending with laughable resignation. And if you don't believe that, watch his scene in the movie, or his performance in his last few playoff games or pretty much any episode of the last two seasons of "Alias."
Lynn Swann and Lawrence Taylor in "The Waterboy" (1998)
Sadly, this appearance was not enough to win Swann the governorship for the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. But Swanny should be praised for his skillful acting and assortment of facial expressions, ranging from "terrified of getting shanked" to "REALLY terrified of getting shanked." Swann might have done a lot better in the last election if he had just peddled the advice of L.T. in this movie: "Don't smoke crack!" Amen! Nothing like the advice of a drug-addled former athlete to give us all direction in life.
Terry Bradshaw in "Failure to Launch" (2006)
Bradshaw has a scene where his bare ass is showing. 'Nuff said. Actually there is probably a lot more to be said, but first the vomiting.
John Madden and Pat Summerall in "The Replacements" (2000)
In their own words:
Pat Summerall: That's the second time tonight a Washington player has been knocked out by his own teammate!
John Madden: You know, there is a rule in sports, "Don't do anything great if you can't handle the congratulations."
And later:
John Madden: I love to see a fat guy score.
Pat Summerall: Why?
John Madden: Because first you get a fat guy spike, then you get the fat guy dance.
And even later:
John Madden: I think that guy is smoking on the field.
Pat Summerall: Smoking? I'm sure you're just imagining that, John.
John Madden: No, no, I saw it. I saw the smoke and everything. BOOM, Tough Actin' Tinactin.!
