My sophomore-year roommate loved to play "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt. We joked that it was our theme song. I was known to be well-acquainted with the boys of D.C. He was known to cavalierly fling empty liquor bottles down our Honors floor hallway. We were both known for having underwear dance parties with the lights on in our L.A. Quad-facing dorm room. We were always giving people plenty to talk about. Nevertheless, I always preferred Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me," though my roommate never seemed to understand why.
At the sensitive age of 19, I had just experienced my first brush with unrequited love. OK, so the affair might have been the result of my homowrecking, but it was when I first realized that not being able to get who you want can be the worst feeling ever. Even more than the pain of a jilted lover, the intense emptiness that accompanies the realization that your now less-than-significant other doesn't return your affection can drown you in emotions faster than a brick tied to an overboard Olsen twin.
Over the years, I've come to realize that as much as it sucks to run into that ex you painfully avoided for weeks or months following their disposal of you, in many respects it hurts even more to see the ones you discarded. But from where does this pain arise? It's not just awkwardness or discomfort that causes the heartstrings to contract, but the knowledge that you weren't quite able to end the connection amicably. You wanted to communicate why it wasn't going to work but, for some reason, it came out wrong.
Our rear-view relationship mirrors are always distorted by the way things ended. No matter how many wonderful memories were made or times were spent together, it will always be that final conversation, fight or lack thereof that shapes how we think of that person. Finding a way to express ourselves in a sincere manner that doesn't demean the other person is always a challenge.
And this challenge is not exclusive to breakups. It can apply to any conversation between lovers, including those in the bedroom. This weekend, after a lengthy evening at the bar, my best friend's visiting older sister decided to give us a workshop on the ins and outs-or rather ups and downs-of fellatio. Though she readily and skillfully demonstrated her technique on a frozen treat as we giggled like middle school girls at a sleepover, I offered some other tips, being somewhat of an authority on the subject. The thing I thought was most important to keep in mind was not only to pay attention to your partner's reactions but also to ASK if there is a different style they prefer. This didn't seem to come as a surprise to any of the workshop attendees.
Why is it that we aren't afraid to speak our minds or ask our lovers if they are enjoying themselves when we're in bed together, but we can't seem to be honest when it comes to breaking up? Somehow when we're naked, when most of us feel the most vulnerable, we are able to let our guard down. Those of us who don't speak up in bed-who pretend that their lover's bob and twist or alphabet spelling is sheer bliss when we're really about to yawn-those are the people who probably explode at the breakup and announce to the whole world that they never had an orgasm or were victims of chafing.
So is it better to keep your lips buttoned in the bedroom only to burst at the breakup or to moan and direct like a porn star then sheepishly reject the other's calls when you lose interest? The answer is neither. Even if you are only casual bedmates, the communication should be up front so neither party is confused that it's something more. If you are in a more serious relationship, the hot talk in the bedroom shouldn't cool down when it comes to parting ways. If you can't be vocal in all aspects of your relationship, chances are your ex will spend the subsequent months bad-mouthing your character or your lack of bedroom skills, and that might not be something you want to give people to talk about.
You won't get everyone to love you, at least not the way you want them to. But if you are open and honest, they can at least make love to you the way you like. And when it comes time to say goodbye or good morning, perhaps they won't hate running into you-and, more importantly, you won't hate yourself.
