When I first began writing this column, a few people commented I was like Dan Savage, the nationally renowned sex columnist. At the time, I had no idea whom they were talking about. I thought they were comparing me to a third brother or second cousin of the lads from "The Wonder Years" and "Boys Meet World," but I would always nod and smile until I finally just asked who the hell he was. After I found out that the comparison wasn't completely out of left field, I made it a point to read Savage's work at any opportunity.
While Savage's column is more of a Q-and-A format in the spirit of "Dear Abby" (but with a mouth dirtier than Dr. Ruth's), I do enjoy Savage's frank approach to giving advice and encouraging sexual expression. One of the questions in his last column was from a 48-year-old man whose partner was about to turn 40. They had been together for 20 years and the former was a little worried about his partner's new penchant for sexual adventure. Savage in part advised that it was perhaps a symptom of the latter's settling down at the age of 19.
Last week I celebrated my 22nd birthday. I didn't plan a party or even make reservations at a fancy restaurant. I just wanted to spend the evening with my best friends at my favorite restaurant and bars, and that's what I did. Somehow my apathy about the whole affair made me wonder if I had finally outgrown the excitement that accompanies this annual celebration, or if perhaps it was an indication of wider maturity that had crept into my life.
I feel that life is divided into several stages. Each stage, though different for everyone, follows a cyclical pattern of restlessness and desire to settle down. For college students, especially for myself, these periods revolve a lot faster than older adults, and the restlessness seems to last longer than the desire to settle down. As soon as we think we want to settle, the itch to go out all weekend with our friends returns. After a few weeks or months of up-all-nights and empty beds begins to wear us out, we decide to hit the dating scene again and attempt to slow things down.
But what would happen if we never went through all these times of free-spirited singledom with monogamy? If we found ourselves in a relationship that outlasted not just adolescence but a third of our adulthood would we later feel like we had missed out on those wild, carefree times? If our mid-life crises are characterized by nude resorts, sex toys and threesomes instead of sports cars and fancy watches, then maybe these so-called years of promiscuity we spend so many nights lamenting might just be the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves.
I'm not saying it's impossible to find someone right now to spend the rest of our lives with, but we are given this time to make mistakes, test the waters and sow our oats, so when we find the one who's truly meant to steer our ship or harvest our grain, we'll know more certainly.
Growing up, I was the pickiest eater. In fact, my dad used to say I only ate something if it was white, yellow or orange. But as I've grown older, salad has made a routine appearance in my diet, in addition to other things I had previously deemed unsavory. In our youthful foolishness we may think we know exactly what we want, but if it is at the expense of what's truly good for us, then how can we expect to grow into healthy adults?
I can't say that I have the recipe for a perfect relationship, but I have tried a lot of what's on the menu. I've taken these years to open my mind to what's available and to learn what offers more than immediate satisfaction, but also what makes me feel good afterward. As we get older, it becomes easier to choose sensibly when going to TDR, or out on a date. Unlike the freshman stacking his or her plate with cookies, we know it's not always what's most attractive that will quell our hunger. Now we chew more slowly, choose more wisely and digest more easily.
There will always be opportunities for experimentation, but someday it will be nice to know who and what will be at the table waiting for you when you get home. I knew exactly what I wanted for my birthday, and I couldn't have ordered a better meal or friends to share it with. And that is a dish I hope to still be enjoying 20 years from now.
