"I guess everyone who puts on a play thinks it's good ... I've never heard of people getting together and saying, 'let's put on a steaming turd,'" says Sylvia (Joan Collins of "Dynasty" fame) in the comedy "Legends!" If only she had taken that advice to heart. Although the play has the best intentions, it strikes a little too close to home to be more than uncomfortably amusing and ends up falling flat.
The plot might as well be about the making of the production itself. Two bickering divas hate each other but are tricked into doing a show together by a scheming producer and the prospect of starring with Paul Newman. They later convince themselves it is for the best because they're broke, lonely and miss the glamour of being stars.
Starring Collins and Linda Evans (also of "Dynasty" notoriety) as Leatrice, the play had potential to be hilarious. Both actresses received standing ovations when they came onstage and also when they took their final bow. The first round of applause may have been out of respect and appreciation for all these women have done, but the last one was probably out of pity.
The first act is tolerable if pained, as the women insult each other with formulaic zingers. They end the act by taking off their wigs and hitting each other with them. But it truly gets ugly after intermission, when the women, who have obviously never been high, ingest some very "special" brownies. They spend the rest of the play whining about how they are so lonely and strapped for cash that they could cope with each other just to get some attention.
Each line made it more difficult to separate the real life of the actresses from their characters and made the entire audience wonder why these women chose to return to the stage now, especially with such a contrived vehicle. People left the theatre muttering about how sad it was to watch what time has done to them, especially since they were once so great.
Even producer Martin Klemmer (Joe Farrell), the glue that theoretically holds the play together and makes it remotely believable, is completely over the top. Instead of cunning and manipulative, he comes off as neurotic and somewhat imbalanced with his clownish interpretation of the character and his ridiculous odd noises and voice changes.
Fortunately, the play is occasionally interrupted by the much stronger performance of Aretha (Tonye Patano). Even though her jokes are mostly written around racial issues (the slang words, the cotton references), she owns them in a way that actually makes their somewhat tired subject matter fresh again. Her lines seem more natural and less stiff than the leading ladies, who seem to be frantically trying to remember their next line for most of the show.
Even better, the audience is treated to a delightful strip tease by Boom-Boom Johnson (Will Holman), which although brief is probably the most entertaining part of the production. He is a beautiful man and gets completely nude -- except for a top hat and two hearts taped to his buttocks. If nothing else, the show had this brief diversion.
But for the most part, "Legends!" is a rather depressing look at what happens to beautiful starlets when they become old, forgotten and desperate. One can only hope to be spared that terrible fate and be smart enough to invest wisely and grow old gracefully. In the end, these legends should have stuck to television. There is no nicer way to say it than that.
