If studying literary theory has taught me anything this semester, it is that language has the power to draw both negative and positive things into presence and that it is inherently contradictory. I'm sure many of you are familiar with saying one thing while meaning another and regretting what you might have said or perhaps that you didn't say more. This is as true in theory as it is in our relationships and sex lives.
I have written before about the battle between our head and heart, and there seems to come a time when our heads must overpower to protect our hearts.
I have to begin this week with a retraction. While I said last week that I was unsuccessful on Halloween, what it should have said is that Halloween weekend was a failure, not the holiday itself. I also said that sometimes wearing a sexually provocative costume can make us more inhibited; however, in the right situation it can also boost our confidence and make us more outgoing than we might normally be.
I seemed to discount dancing solo on the platform that Friday night and the completely misguided strip tease I performed at Tuesday evening's soiree that led to a sailor accompanying me home.
My friends and I say we want to have the best senior year that we can, yet we continue (or at least I do) to take on more and more responsibilities in lieu of truly letting loose.
It's the last year of supposed irresponsibility before evolving into real adults and I have never found myself more committed to assisting various people and organizations.
When we say we want to live our last year to the fullest, what we really seem to mean is that we want to cram as many things possible on to our resume and drink at every possibility so come May we can feel secure in our employability and in the fact that we balanced it all with wild nights with our friends.
So as we lurch from exhaustion and anxiety to inebriation and denial, where do we fit in a relationship? Do we forgo a night on the couch with our friend to go on a date with the tall, dark and handsome stranger from the bar? Do we take every free opportunity to meet someone new or just enjoy screaming ballads at the bar, beer bottle clutched in hand?
I hope you paid attention to my first paragraph. Yes, I take all these questions seriously, and as much as we remind ourselves that time is fleeting it is completely impossible to tell how soon May will arrive. In February the ceremonial groundhog may prolong the season of winter, but it won't change the date of graduation.
How do we justify or quantify each moment we spend when our words only betray our true heart's desire? The truth may be that all we desire is to suspend time. We want to have enough time in the day to be a rock star at our internships, maintain our GPAs, get sloppy with our friends and a get a little ass on the side.
Alas, our heads beat more regularly than our hearts. The death toll pounds steadily, announcing that the time of reality approaches. If we never tie the knots then we'll never have to cut the strings.
Our language has the power to delude even ourselves. By saying we want to date we somehow convince ourselves that's what we really want, but then our brain intervenes.
Perhaps that's why it's easier when our mind is clouded. The strip tease and the pirated sailor seemed like quite the treasure at the time, but the following morning left me sure it was not the booty I had desired.
Though it's obvious now, I guess I didn't realize the irony of a sailor who originated from a land-locked country in Eastern Europe. He couldn't possibly have lived up to my heart's fantasy.
