A boundary is defined as a "specified limit or border," but it represents so much more to me.
I was reminded on a recent trip home just how different my relationships with my friends in D.C. are from those with my family in the Midwest. Though I have always been open with my family, there exists several unspoken boundaries that dictate what is allowed to be discussed, and with whom. While my grandma was around, profanity was off-limits, not to mention comments about sex. My parents can handle profanity but I refrained from any personal details. I could discuss my love life with my siblings, but spared them the play-by-play to which my friends are privy.
Boundaries allow us to define our relationships - establish standards and expectations for behavior - but what happens when we are unable to adhere to them? Will saying "fuck" in front of Grammy, or revealing my "number" to my parents, cause a catastrophic tear in the universe? I doubt it. But would we want to take the chance? Probably not.
So when it comes to our sex life, what boundaries exist? Where do we draw the line on who is acceptable to sleep with and with whom it's taboo?
Let me take you through a few situations. Each represents a varied perspective of where the boundaries set in place may seem obvious, but become gray under scrutiny. The first case is the co-worker. As the new intern in the office, I know that first impressions are key and one must be on their best behavior. So the problem was how to convince the cute experienced intern to spend time alone with me, without making it appear as if I am coming on to him, while simultaneously making it obvious that I want him.
Tricky, I know. So I went through the old stand-by: the best girlfriend. Befriend the girlfriend and you are halfway home. So we hung out a few times in a neutral setting, until I could make my feelings known. Unfortunately it ended without so much as a kiss and now I have to play like nothing has happened when we pass each other at work.
This brings us to case number two. While enjoying an evening out with some of my boys, a mutual friend's ex-boyfriend was brought to my attention. Although I had met him once before, I probably would have never recognized him. We all said hello and he went on his way. That was the end of that, or so I thought. A few drinks later at the next bar down the block, I was surprised to see my friend's ex approach me to dance. Most of my friends had gone home by this point, so I didn't see the harm in one little dance. The next morning when he drove me home, I swore it was a one-night thing. At least until later that night...
I personally don't want to dine on any of my friend's leftovers, and I wouldn't have pursued this individual under any other circumstances. But sometimes the boundary of what is acceptable with certain friends is blurry at best, so discretion is the order of the day. I don't think any more will come of it; my respect for my friend may have suffered the worst damage. Dating a 28-year-old virgin is nothing to brag about. Luckily, I took care of that.
The third and final situation is the classic tale of Blair Bryant the Homowrecker. Now, I know it may seem like this happens a lot, but in my defense I am usually not the one precipitating the situation. Last week I found myself at my usual late-week haunt with the host of familiar faces. This installment stars my ex's old and not quite single roommate.
There are people you know who you absolutely think you will never end up with in bed. He was one of these people. After dancing, a lot of making out, several promises of an "open relationship," and a short cab ride home, we both breathlessly expressed our surprise to be together and completely ignored the several boundaries that should have kept us apart.
There are people who necessitate the creation of boundaries. But like drawing a line in the sand thinking it will last forever, it only takes the next wave of emotion, regret, inebriation, or reminiscence to wash the line away. If they are truly boundaries we'd like to make more permanent, the only thing we can do is move farther from the shore where the waves will have a harder time of reaching it. Some boundaries will never be washed away and others were never intended to be permanent in the first place.
