Aries (March 21 - April 19) The warm weather has given you a new lease on life, so really make the most of it. Feel the cool breeze as it blows your miniskirt up in front of your crush, relish the stains from your dripping ice cream cone and good luck with that painful bee sting that may or may not cause your face to swell. Unlucky charm: Sacagawea coin, face down.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It may feel as though a dastardly creature has hidden away all the good things in your life. When you wake up Sunday morning, you will be forced to hunt down the jellybeans that you have been sorely missing. You will never be able to find them all, being that you are not quite as intelligent as that mythical bunny. Unlucky charm: Summoning charm.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Have you been feeling rather empty inside, Gemini? The shift of Mercury into your ninth house may be causing you to be quite down, but there is a solution on the horizon. Do not seek emotional or intellectual fulfillment; instead, eat as many marshmallow Peeps as humanly possible. Unlucky charm: Boar's foot.
Cancer (June 21 - July 21) This week, you will be extremely irritable. You feel as though your life has been invaded by things that you can't eradicate, no matter how hard you try. This may or may not have something to do with the fact that your roommate will cover your bed with Easter grass. Unlucky charm: Dandelion.
Leo (July 22 - Aug. 22) Leo, this will be a bit of a trying week for you. Nothing will be going quite right. Your friends will not recognize you, your family will pester you with an endless amount of questions and your matzo balls will be lacking in fluffiness. You may have some better luck next week. Unlucky charm: The Red Balloons.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) Have you ever seen a hooker trip in her six-inch platform boots? If you haven't, you definitely will this week. If you already have seen such an occurrence, you must be a connoisseur of HBO documentaries and you should keep up the good work. Unlucky charm: The Leper, known as Khan.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Friday, you will be inspired to update your wardrobe, realizing that there is a severe lack of giant clock necklaces. You will also acquire a pink tuxedo, a new set of grills and a Viking hat. These items will bring you fantastic joy and will entice a whole new set of insane women to live in your mansion and vie for your love. Unlucky "Charmed" one: Shannen Doherty.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) Everyday this week will bring give you the opportunity to try something new, a chance to broaden your interests and think outside the box. Do not, under any circumstances, take advantage of this. Instead, keep up your extremely boring routines. Unlucky charm: Solitary kernel of corn.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) There is nothing wrong with taking some time to focus on yourself this week, Sag. So sit back, relax and ruminate on your life's purpose. People may ask you for help, but simply ignore them. After all, you have big decisions to make. Monday will be a good day for a pedicure. Unlucky Prince Charming: The artist formerly known as.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Venus in your 12th house will have you behaving rather oddly this weekend. Something inside will cause you to be extremely restless, even more than usual. You may find yourself lying on a floor after drinking an entire jar of pasta sauce, wondering where you left your pants. Unlucky charm: Whore's shoe.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) Keep your cool, Aquarius. Something is going horribly wrong, and you are the only one that can put a stop to it. If you can't find the solution immediately, it is time to consult the one person you do not want to ask. Your mother is the only one who will know how to unclog your toilet. Unlucky charm: Limburger cheese.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) Toward the middle of the week, you may find yourself feeling a little preoccupied. Do not, under any circumstances, talk about your ideas with other people. Instead, be tortured by your thoughts as you lay awake at night and order large quantities of infomercial items. Chuck Norris is totally lowering the price of that gym just for you. Unlucky charm: Every single one on your bracelet.
