Aries (March 21 - April 19) Jinkies! It will be extremely difficult to solve the mysteries placed before you this week, Aries. If you get the right people in the van and supply them with a large quantity of sandwiches, you will discover who or what has been haunting the amusement park. Go get 'em, you meddling kid, you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Nothing goes right for you, does it? If it's not your freakish sister and her Shakespearean friends, it's the constant threat of your crush finding out how you feel, or the bully who makes your life so difficult. The secret to happiness comes from wearing your underwear on the outside, hanging out with your dog, eating killer tofu and thinking big.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Ever since the incident with the primordial ooze, your life has been radically different. You'd best be listening to your teacher this week or you will find yourself in big trouble. Be sure to eat a lot of pizza with your three closest friends. You might even get to see that bodacious babe in yellow. Cowabunga!
Cancer (June 21 - July 21) For years, one question has plagued your existence. It seems that no one knows the true answer and infighting has made going to work as dangerous as a boatload of Acme products. This week, think long and hard about the situation. Rabbit season or duck season? Rabbit season, duck season. Rabbit season, Duck season.
Leo (July 22 - Aug. 22) This week, you will watch your foes slip right through your fingers once again. Your short and ugly partner will once again be of no help to you and your accent will overwhelm most people you come across. Just give up; you will never capture the moose and squirrel.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) Why do grown-ups always treat you like such a baby? You will lead your friends on many adventures this week. Be sure to pay extra attention to your redheaded pal; you know how easily he becomes frightened. If you want to get revenge on your enemy, hold Cynthia hostage.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) You will embark on many strange adventures with your three nephews in the coming weeks. It would be wise to watch out for the Beagle Boys, as they will try to ruin things for you once again. Rest assured, you will be back before you know it, swimming in your room full of money.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) Your significant other will totally try to get one over on you this week. Don't worry, though, you will have the last laugh. He or she will show up to the birthday party wearing his or her Water Buffalo Lodge hat and subsequently become the laughingstock of Bedrock.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) You may have to finally do away with your lame-brained pal. He means well, but he always screws up your well thought out and diabolical plans. Not to mention the fact that he never catches on to the fact that you do the same thing every single night: try to take over the world.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Everyone will remind you that you are a total blockhead this week. Even your dog is cooler than you are, Cappy. Getting that baseball team together will prove harder than you thought, and you will not receive any letters from the little redheaded girl. By the way, the other girl will always pull the football away, so stop trying to kick it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) This week will be a good one for not only you, but for Mother Earth as well. When you get together with your friends, you will combine your powers and bring to life a superhero for the environment. You will also have a strong desire to remind people that the power is, in fact, theirs.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) You have great intentions, but sometimes things just don't go the way you plan. Beware of getting roller skates when you command your umbrella to go-go, and vice-versa. Listen to your strangely intelligent niece, as well as the dog. Now that you have your instructions, be careful, because this message will self destruct.
