Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You must attempt to strike a balance this week. If you don't, you'll find yourself rolling down flights of stairs, face planting on the sidewalk. Either way, it might be a good idea to stock up on those Barbie band-aids of which you are so fond. No, we will not kiss it and make it better.
Lucky time of day: 2:47 p.m.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This is a good time of year to sit back and reflect, Bull. Take some time away from writing those papers to seriously evaluate your situation. How are you going to achieve your ultimate goal if you can't convince the other clowns to commit? And where are you going to find that tiny red car?
Lucky time of day: Bedtime.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Someone in your life will greatly disappoint you this week. Said person will come crawling back to you, begging for forgiveness. It may be wise to have an open heart and keep in mind two very powerful words. Those two words being "indentured servitude."
Lucky time of day: Half past a freckle.
Cancer (June 21 - July 21)
Due to Aquarius in retrograde, you may feel as though the whole world is laughing at you. Don't worry, Crab. Rest assured that everyone is definitely laughing at you, and some people are, in fact, pointing. Spend the next few weeks cowering under your Star Trek blanket.
Lucky time of day: 3:00 a.m.
Leo (July 22 - Aug. 22)
Saturday will be your day this week. Everything will go your way from the wee hours of the morning until late into the night. The birds will be chirping, the sun will be shining and you will no longer have to worry about that pesky burning sensation when you urinate.
Lucky time of day: The witching hour.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Some people are just born lucky. Other people have a lucky month, a lucky season or perhaps a certain day of the week on which they find themselves to be extremely fortunate. As a Virgo, you have one lucky day a year, and it's coming up this week. Don't blow it.
Lucky time of day: Hammer time.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Fortune will smile upon you this week as you score a large amount of whatever drugs Paula Abdul is on. You will spread cheesy compliments everywhere you go this week, clap like a drunk seal and get paid to speak complete nonsense. Many contestants will meet you backstage for "assistance."
Lucky time of day: 4:20.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
It seems you have lost something very important to you this week and you are having a hard time getting it back. Your best bet is to dig deep into every lost and found box you can find. Surely, you have some semblance of a chance of finding the Tupperware that contains your dignity.
Lucky time of day: Halftime.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
With Venus in your sixth house, you are sure to have a rise in popularity this week. However, don't get too excited. You will only become popular amongst the sort of people that you absolutely detest. Good luck explaining to your creepy neighbor that you do not appreciate his interpretive dance of admiration.
Lucky time of day: 12:02 a.m.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
There's nothing holding you back now, Cappy. Now that you've done away with the only people preventing you from completing the final stage of your plan, it will be smooth sailing as long as you keep up your cover. Eat plenty of cheese and wear a raincoat.
Lucky time of day: Suppertime.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
It seems as though you've somehow gotten the short end of the stick this week. Even so, you should lend a helping hand to the person in your life who's often a stick in the mud. Watch out for that guy down the hall with the sticky fingers, and when the police come, stick to your story.
Lucky time of day: Time to make the donuts.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Your attempts to continue your Spring Break lifestyle will be rather successful early in the week. Be careful, because your attempts to organize a wet T-shirt contest amongst your professors will not go well. If you bring that hose to the Anthropology department, make sure you can handle the consequences.
Lucky time of day: "Time After Time"
