Aries (March 21 - April 19) This is the weekend that will make you famous. The stars will align for you all week, and everything you do will be the makings of a legend. Unfortunately, the slow-speed car chase and subsequent mug shots will undoubtedly be the things that your adoring public will remember. Celebrity in your sign: Wayne Newton
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Wearing the trousers in your relationship is getting extremely difficult, as your partner is completely content to let you make every decision. This week, declare yourself pants-free and let someone else worry about how many hours a day you will devote to your waffle cone business. Celebrity in your sign: Bea Arthur
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Where has your mind been lately, Gemini? The dual nature of your personality has been especially prominent as of late. It seems that you wake up in the morning unable to recall your actions of the night before. You will lose several pairs of underwear as well as a sock this week. Celebrity in your sign: Paula Abdul
Cancer (June 21 - July 21) The movement of Saturn into your fourth house will drive you to seek out a new form of entertainment this week. As you wander the streets after dark, you will discover the object of your search. It will be under a neon sign that proclaims the words "Peep Show." Celebrity in your sign: O.J. Simpson
Leo (July 22 - Aug. 22) You have hit the peak of your career in the public eye this week. This means that anything after this will simply pale in comparison, and it is best to give up your aspirations of fame. However, you should take comfort in the fact that at least you became famous for your dancing skills, unlike your brother, who became famous for being married to a moron. Celebrity in your sign: Bill Clinton
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) Think about where you are, where you've been and where you want to go. Now think about the stench of your clothes, the mysterious creature seeking shelter in your closet and the measly amount of money in your bank account. You were almost happy for a moment there, weren't you? Celebrity in your sign: Michael Jackson
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Something will go terribly wrong this week. But cheer up, because after your significant other breaks up with you over the Internet, how much worse could it possibly be? If you take off your robe of solitude by the end of the week, you may find out that he or she has taken an unfortunate spill, or received a roundhouse kick to the face. Celebrity in your sign: Luke Perry
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) Without the sun, the plants will not grow. If the bread has no yeast, then it will not rise. Even the cacti need a little bit of water to continue going on. All that being said, you know what you must do. Mind your Ps and Qs, since the Queen does not look kindly on those who do not have proper manners. Celebrity in your sign: Ralph Macchio
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) This week, a Libra will come into your life demanding a good deal of your attention. You should definitely give this person whatever it is they require, because he or she may be a 92-year-old millionaire and desirous of a spouse to ride out the last two months with. Celebrity in your sign: Anna Nicole Smith
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Venus in your 10th house means your actions this week will greatly affect many areas of your life for weeks to come, so choose wisely. It's too late to cover up your stunning display of lack of self-control earlier in the week, but you do have a choice this weekend when it comes to digestive pyrotechnics. Celebrity in your sign: Mao Tse-tung
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) There may or may not be truth in the statements being made by the voices in your head this week. Though they are usually consumed with discussions that revolve around reality television, the voices may be trying to bring something else to your attention. Why doesn't Paula ever say anything that isn't completely cheesy? Celebrity in your sign: John Travolta
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) Time to fly, fish. If you feel as though you are being tied down, the time to exit is now. Get a running head start, convince your roommate to create a large distraction and don't look back. There is no reason for you to endure this sort of behavior any longer. You can leave those ass-less chaps behind now. Celebrity in your sign: Flavor Flav
