Aries (March 21 - April 19) Think back to a time when you were wearing your favorite clogs. If you braid your hair and eat some cake, you will be able to find the windmill that has been eluding you. Travel over the hill and beyond the river, past the bridge where the troll will grant you your greatest wish. Lucky TDR&B jam: "Can't Get Enough of Your Love" by Barry White
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try approaching your daily life from a new angle. Over the past few weeks, it seems you have been at the tip of an isosceles triangle. The view from this vantage point has been presenting you with two identical choices every day. Change it up this week and be obtuse. Lucky TDR&B jam: "I'll Make Love To You" by Boyz II Men
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Around noon on Friday, you will be struck with a strange desire to eat. Much later that night, you may be feeling a bit sleepy. Saturday morning you may find yourself next to a pile of Halloween costumes, atop a Scrabble board with all the Qs glued to your forehead. Lucky TDR&B jam: "You Make Me Feel (Like a Natural Woman)" by Aretha Franklin
Cancer (June 21 - July 21) Mercury's interaction with Saturn will bring you an overwhelming sense of satisfaction. Unfortunately, this feeling will severely disintegrate when you wander into your kitchen and discover that all your peanut butter and jelly supplies have mysteriously vanished. At this point, you should go out and buy yourself a life. Lucky TDR&B jam: "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" by Marvin Gaye
Leo (July 22 - August 22) Sometimes crazy things occur that no one can really explain. This mysterious phenomenon does not apply to your hideous wardrobe choices or that atrocious hairstyle you've adopted. There's a very simple explanation for those: You need a reality show makeover, and you need it bad. Lucky TDR&B jam: "The Way You Make Me Feel" by Michael Jackson
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Venus in retrograde is causing a disturbance in your sex life. This disturbance may show up in either the form of an extremely heinous rash or an unabashed stripper that arrives dressed like clown, but strips down to its red squishy nose. Be prepared: have both topical cream and a cream pie at hand. Lucky TDR&B jam: "What's Love Got To Do With It" by Tina Turner
Libra (September 23 - October 22) This weekend has the potential to be a rather wild one for you. There are many interesting folks on the horizon, and after this weekend you may have some new friends that will be extremely hard to get rid of. Fortunately, your newly acquired mullet will be much easier to dispose of. Lucky TDR&B jam: "Un-break My Heart" by Toni Braxton
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Where do you think you're going with that magnificent pair of shoes? You will regret accepting that gift from that seemingly nice woman. When the original owner's sister finds out about your new slippers, be prepared for that army of flying monkeys. Lucky TDR&B jam: "Superfreak" by Rick James
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It's about time for you to give up the charade, Sag. Everyone can see right through you and it's time you let your secret out. Sing out, atop the roof, while wearing your lemon-yellow spandex suit. The giant weight will be lifted, replaced by your newfound freedom in synthetic fabrics. Lucky TDR&B jam: "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) Happy days are here again; your skies will now be clear again. Psych! This week is totally going to suck for you, Cappy. You should probably just stay inside, though frankly, even indoors, someone will totally be raining all over your parade. Perhaps you should build a tent. Lucky TDR&B jam: "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) Your tendency to be a blabbermouth will definitely get you in some major trouble this week. You may or may not wake up in a foreign land without any recollection of your whereabouts over the days preceding it. It may be wise to keep your mouth shut before you find yourself set adrift out to sea. Lucky TDR&B jam: "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Do it up right this week, Fish. This is your time to shine and no one can tell you otherwise. So get the spotlight cued up and take center stage. Don't let anyone tell you it's time to go home, and don't listen if any one tries to cut you off. You can stop anytime you want, and right now you don't want to. Lucky TDR&B jam: "Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours)" by Stevie Wonder
