Aries (March 21 - April 19) This weekend is sure to be one filled with the realization of some of your greatest desires. You've been waiting for so long, and finally the moment has arrived. Bring your best hairnet and have extra Fixodent on hand, because your wild weekend with Mabel and Edna is going to be one that you will never forget. Lucky candy heart saying: My Ho
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Mercury in retrograde may spell disaster for you, Taurus. You may have thought that getting what you want would be easy as pie, but you will find yourself between a rock and hard place. Put your nose to the grindstone, and even if it starts raining cats and dogs, remember that a stitch in time saves nine. Haste makes waste! Lucky candy heart saying: Lick Me
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Something's in the air, Gem, but for you, it isn't love. You will spend most of the weekend attempting to discover the source of a peculiar smell that seems to have permeated your entire living space. You will march confidently into battle with the mysterious and pungent odor, but the outcome will be bleak. Lucky candy heart saying: Third Wheel
Cancer (June 21 - July 21) If you're single, you're in for a very wonderful weekend. As you wander the globe destined to live alone, rejoice. Relish the sight of every couple holding hands and hope that you will be able to witness many wonderful public displays of affection. On Saturday night, remember that there is no one in the world other than yourself that you would rather be eating a gallon of ice cream with. No one. Lucky candy heart saying: Porn Star
Leo (July 22 - August 22) This is it, Lion. You have the chance to accomplish something this weekend that you never thought you could. Make sure you're prepared to take the ultimate risk, and go for it. You will not be disappointed. Unless, of course, you screw up. Then you will be left in an impossibly awkward situation that will plague your social life for weeks. Lucky candy heart saying: Just The Tip
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware, Virgo. Something or someone has been following your every move and wants to force you to come clean. It might just be time to give it up and face the facts. You will never look good in that hot pink spandex, and that TDR employee you've had your eye on finds you to be totally creepy. Lucky candy heart saying: Baby Daddy
Libra (September 23 - October 22) Mars in your 12th House indicates that a teddy bear will factor prominently into your weekend. It will be a large bear, perhaps one with a bow. Said bear will be the source of many issues that will go unresolved for quite some time. You may or may not find this bear hung in effigy outside your door. Watch out. Lucky candy heart saying: Sexbomb
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) There's really nothing to say for you, Scorpion. Your wicked ways will catch up to you this weekend, and nothing can prepare you for the awful consequences. The topical cream and antibiotics may finally start working by Wednesday, but the ruthless squirrel mafia will never ever forgive you. Lucky candy heart saying: Lost Cause
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Don't get your hopes up too high, Sag. Remember what happened the last time you got ahead of yourself. Take everything one step at a time, and hopefully you will not end up atop a small building, wearing a diaper while shooting arrows at the object of your affection. That tear gas really stings. Lucky candy heart saying: Restraining Order
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) You're the lucky one, Cappy. You will meet a vibrant character who goes by the name of KC. This person will take you by storm, he or she will want to do a little dance, make a little love, and perhaps even get down tonight. This will especially be true if you do everything just the way he or she likes it. Lucky candy heart saying: MILF
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) This is the dawning of the age of...you. That's right, this week is totally your time to shine. So fire up your engine, grab your favorite sandwich condiment, and go to town. The love of your life will be awaiting your arrival on a street corner after midnight, so keep your eyes open. Lucky candy heart saying: How Much?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Keep your head high, Pisces. Someone out there claims that you are the sunshine of their existence. This is because every time he or she looks directly at you, his or her retinas begin to smolder, and that pain is unbearable. In addition, you may or may not be responsible for this person's escalating risk of contracting skin cancer. Lucky candy heart saying: 3-Way
