I have a dirty secret. It's insidious and indecent, reprehensible and revolting. It's ... well, I suppose it's not that bad. Those attributions were more for color than anything else. To be concise, I basically take some sort of depraved enjoyment out of regularly perusing the Washington, D.C. Craigslist singles postings.
I am not searching for someone to understand me or for someone with whom to share my penchant for golden showers. I have long given up on such dreams. Instead, I do it for the sheer pleasure of basking in the collective radioactive glow of a city gone sterile and stupid.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, your humble narrator is not quite as demure as he may seem. Nefarious practices often lie beneath the surface of an otherwise kind exterior, and I suppose I am no different; my true vile nature being perhaps in the same vein as Katie Holmes (she might be bubbly and adorable, but this malevolent temptress has obviously cast some sort of arcane Wiccan incantation on beloved, revered and completely sane actor Tom Cruise, probably because his pure and untainted seed was required to spawn the next dark lord of Hades) or dare I say Bill Pullman (I mean come on, he is always that same blandly funny/abused nice guy in every movie he has ever made, he obviously doesn't have a soul).
While I might not make it to those levels of immorality, I still can't help but feel that I am living in sin, branded by a society that shuns people who take pleasure out of laughing at others (I'm Pennsylvania Dutch). But in my defense, I know that there are too many sincere, genuinely benevolent people turned flotsam, set adrift on their own in the unruly sea of relationships. Everyone has felt the acute pain of rejection and unaccompanied life, so trust me, I am not signing on Craigslist every night to lambaste and ridicule the Eleanor Rigbys of the world. My intentions are slightly more righteous than that.
As anyone who has ever looked at Craig's List personal ads can attest to, a singular, unified theme often emerges from the postings made by those who aren't the caring, as of yet unlucky folk previously mentioned: absolute insanity. These people are certifiably nuts! Now, there's good crazy - how I defiantly categorize myself - and bad crazy. Good crazy is being eccentric and original, having that certain twinkle in your eye. Bad crazy is trying to attract a good man by posting "BJ's aren't Just for Birthdays and Holidays," adding that you want a "long term relationship...not just sex, but I am sure you would enjoy knowing that I enjoy and will forever enjoy the art of pleasing men orally as well as intellectually." Speaking as a man, while she might have a point, what kind of disease-free, mentally stable guy would want to have a meaningful relationship with this "Montel" reject?
Bad crazy is also the woman who posts, "YOU: 6'1" or taller, aged 35 to 45, a CIA, FBI, or police officer, look Boston refined, and have a Larry the Cable Guy GIT-R-DONE sense of humor. To me, GIT-R-DONE, means to get her pregnant. It's also the name of a book he just wrote, that is very funny," and then proceeds to spout Bible verses about the immorality of sex for anything other than procreation.
And while I must admit I haven't fully done my research, I can't imagine that sites like Match.com and JDate have even half as many wackos as does Craigslist. My theory is simple. That whole pay-to-join paradigm might actually stimulate premeditated thought, and thusly draw more serious-minded and level-headed singles, leaving the more sociopathic crowd to inhabit the free, un-patrolled wilderness that Craigslist has become (speaking of sociopaths on the C.L., have you seen the people scalping tickets for sold out indie rock shows recently? $90 for an Arctic Monkeys ticket? May you freeze to death, but be kept alive just long enough for a Japanese Macaque to gnaw away your smug, portly grin).
I suppose that's what makes Craigslist such an important cultural icon: the freedom to do or post whatever you please, no matter how inane or obscene it is. Feel fortunate that I haven't even mentioned the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist personals, where little white men in search of BBW and young trans virgins earnestly convene.
Anyone can post a picture of himself flexing his muscles, or of herself doing her best girl-in-a-rap-video-ass-on-the-hood shot, and if they are lucky they might just find the only person in the world who might find that attractive. So after some careful consideration, I've come to believe that Craigslist is just nature's latest incarnation of natural selection... which might not be that bad at all.
