Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your life may seem to be an unopened container of Chef Boyardee this week. The contents are questionable and make a sloshing sound when moved. Once you break out the can opener, your one true Beefaroni will be yours for the taking. Beware the stains artificial tomato sauce may leave on your heart.
Astrological paper excuse: Your roommate ate it. The whole thing, even the staples. Then you had to take him or her to Sibley. A very traumatic experience indeed.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
It's about time, isn't it, Taurus? The fashionably late arrival of your second wind will prove to be fabulous. You will be able to get it all done and dance the weekend away in a set of solid gold platforms. Beyond the disco ball, a luscious treat awaits. Bring two silver spoons.
Astrological paper excuse: The stars took control of you, sending you into an angry rage. You stole the paper from yourself and refused to tell yourself where it is now hidden.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Due to Jupiter in retrograde, you may have the overwhelming urge to panic this week. Everything will be putting you into an awful state, so let those around you beware. A progression to full-on paranoia will surface on Tuesday, when your desk lamp will be plotting revenge.
Astrological paper excuse: You traded your paper to a man for magic beans, then spent the whole night battling the giant who lived at the top of the beanstalk. And your mom yelled at you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 21)
It's all about you, Crabby! This is your time to shine, and make everyone bow before your magnificence. If people refuse, behead them. Only tolerate praise, and shun any criticism, no matter how constructive it may be. This advice applies to everyone, including professors and all authority figures.
Astrological paper excuse: Hulk Hogan commanded that you watch the Hulk-tastic marathon of "Hogan Knows Best" on VH1. You could not disobey him, brother.
Leo (July 22 - Aug. 22)
You can do it! You've been searching for the solution for quite some time, and this weekend you will finally discover it. We'll give you a hint from the stars: You can do it if you put your back into it.
Astrological paper excuse: You had problems with your pimp and had to take matters into your own hands this week.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Tap dancing penguins are infiltrating your everyday life, and that's no good. Why are you letting these creatures ruin your career? If you do not stop them by Friday, you can kiss that promotion goodbye. And if you allow them to go unchecked until Monday, well then, you'll be living in a box by Tuesday.
Astrological paper excuse: After consulting with Tom Cruise, you have decided to replace writing papers with vitamins and exercise.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Unfortunately for you, a large elephant with a pretentious smile is sitting atop your shoulders. You have been feeling this weight for some time, and it is beginning to take its toll. Thankfully, you will be relieved of your burden if you can track down some gourmet peanuts.
Astrological paper excuse: R. Kelly was trapped in your closet while you wrote the paper. When you finished, he took out his Beretta and demanded that you give it to Kathy.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Where did all the time go, Scorpio? That is the question you will be asking yourself this week. It was not long ago that you were floating along in a warm autumn evening and suddenly you find yourself battling the harsh winter winds. Get yourself some boots and hat, and beware those pesky attack snowmen.
Astrological paper excuse: Have your best friend Cory tell the professor you have Hong Kong Sloth, even though you are on a bus to Paris, Texas.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
The weather may be cold, but something is on fire inside of you. Your instinct may usually be to control yourself and keep cool, but this is the time to let the flames burn bright. Everything will turn out fine, as long as someone gets the extinguisher when you burst into flames early Sunday morning.
Astrological paper excuse: You had to surrender it to an army of black ninja squirrels on your way to class.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Mars in your 12th house indicates a change of course for you, Cappy. Hold on to your hat, because someone will try to take the reins and run you clear off your chosen path. If you fine yourself lost in the woods with poison ivy, follow the white rabbit. Everything should be smooth sailing from there.
Astrological paper excuse: The Kool-Aid man broke through your wall and demanded it, screaming, "Oh Yeah!"
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Is that a banana in your pants, or are you just happy it's winter? Something will be keeping you rather excited for the next few weeks, and everyone will know all about it. Spread your cheer far and wide, but be careful to clean up your mess. After all, no one wants to be scrubbing that out of their carpet.
Astrological paper excuse: Aliens probed your computer this morning, leaving your porn but taking every bit of academic work.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
You are in for a mysterious and suspenseful week. On Friday, a dark figure will seem to appear everywhere you go. On Saturday, you will have an overwhelming feeling that you are being watched. Sunday, you will be led into a dark corridor and be forced to make a choice. Choose wisely.
Astrological paper excuse: Mercury is in retrograde, causing a misalignment between your brain and your computer.
