Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Underwear on the outside of your clothes will be featured this week. Perhaps this outward gesture will give you the desire to reverse your usual behaviors in other arenas of life as well. Enjoy your newfound freedom, and give Quailman our regards.
Star-approved pick-up line: Are those space pants? 'Cause that ass is out of this world!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Mercury in retrograde will be sure to throw your weekend into a bit of tailspin. Everything may appear just dandy on Friday, but Saturday, an extremely unlikely event will occur. Sunday morning will surely be unpleasant as you try to piece together your sorry existence.
Star-approved pick-up line: That's a nice set of legs. What time do they open?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
There's nothing quite like a Gemini with mood swing issues. For the sake of your loved ones, do not allow the more evil of your dual natures to take control. That's right, your evil twin is back with a vengeance and will stop at nothing until your life is destroyed. Beware.
Star-approved pick-up line: Do you have a map? 'Cause I keep getting lost in your eyes.
Cancer (June 21 - July 21)
Cheer up, crab. You're about to have a star-studded TV special of a week. Look for cameos by all your favorite people. As long as you control yourself around the dreamy hunks and ravishing starlets, you'll be golden. That is, until you develop that wicked crack habit. At least you'll have friends in rehab.
Star-approved pick-up line: Do you clean your pants with Windex? 'Cause I can see myself in them.
Leo (July 22 - August 22)
Leo, this week will be surprisingly sweet. That special someone will be itching to finally confess their undying love, your boss will promote you and every paper you get back will be filled with praise from your professors. There's also that whole getting hit by a bus thing, but it's really not that important.
Star-approved pick-up line: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Tuesday will be the dawning of a whole new chapter in your life. The unicorn you have been waiting for will finally appear, bringing with it a certain magic and charm. Your journey to the babbling brook will be extremely fruitful, and the mysterious mountain people will leave you a scroll that will bring you closer to the ultimate goal.
Star-approved pick-up line: I think you've been a bad boy (or girl). Go to my room!
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Be on your guard this week, Libra. Your dirty deeds will be revealed for all to see. Unfortunately, that's not all. Your significant other may be cheating on you. With a midget.
Star-approved pick-up line: If you were a sandwich at McDonald's, you'd be a McGorgeous.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Same hat, different shoes. Clothes make the man, but this week it may be wise to wear two pairs of socks. Don't forget about your red hooded sweatshirt; it's seen you through some pretty rough times. How about a pair of pink sidewinders and a bright orange pair of pants?
Star-approved pick-up line: If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This week, it's all about you. Don't let anyone or anything get you down, because the stars are shining and you can do no wrong. Take a chance on something that is so crazy it just might work. Yes, that means purchasing the gold sequin g-string and performing your sweet moves for your nearest and dearest friends.
Star-approved pick-up line: I lost my teddy bear. Can I sleep with you?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Saturn in your sixth house indicates that you will have a very squishy week. It seems that every day you will find yourself in a different jam. For lunch, you will eat a great deal of jelly, and for dessert it would be best to have pudding. Jell-O shots on the weekend will have you feeling just fine.
Star-approved pick-up line: Screw me if I'm wrong, but haven't we met before?
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Have you no dignity? Look at yourself! Here you are, with so many opportunities, and you are just kissing them goodbye. Sadly, you will also have to kiss other things goodbye as well this week. Poor Fluffy, he was such a good hamster. Too bad about that dryer accident.
Star-approved pick-up line: You know what would look good on you? Me.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Nothing can stop you this week, fish. You've got to fight every battle to death, and you will be victorious. If you persevere this week, the next few will be much easier. If you train hard and concentrate, you will become a true Pokemon master, no matter what the other trainers think.
Star-approved pick-up line: Is your father a terrorist? 'Cause baby, you're the bomb!
