Aries (March 21 - April 19) There's something about this Thanksgiving that you're looking forward to, Aries. Sit back and figure out exactly what it is. Is it the home cooked food, the football games or just an overwhelming desire to baste your turkey in the privacy of your own home? Pesky relative to avoid: Narcoleptic Uncle Stu.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Nothing is what it seems, especially around this time of year. Someone close to you is trying to deceive you, the one you've been suspicious of all along. Don't be tricked by the cornucopia of holiday joy. Seek out the truth. The nasty truth lurking in your sweet potatoes. Pesky relative to avoid: Kleptomaniac Aunt Susan.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) The time has finally arrived to introduce your significant other to your family, and what better time than Thanksgiving? Surely when your family gets a gander at your new plaything, the reviews will be surprisingly positive. Maybe too positive. Pesky relative to avoid: Nosy Great-Aunt Mildred.
Cancer (June 21 - July 21) Venus in your ninth house is sure to ignite a passionate fire in your heart. But who will be the lucky recipient of your overwhelming warmth? Be careful to whom you bestow your feelings; he or she may take advantage of you in more ways than one. And not in that way that you like it. Pesky relative to avoid: Bi-curious Cousin Al.
Leo (July 22 - August 22) Your life seems to be missing a certain sweetness these days. It's on days like these you really notice it. The stars are trying to let you in on a little secret. The secret to sweetness in life is marshmallows. Yes, marshmallows. Pesky relative to avoid: "Uncle" Bob (with the wandering hands).
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Why do you keep wandering around like a live turkey just waiting to be turned into a Thanksgiving dinner? Get your little tail into super fast mode and stop being an easy target. It's your life, live it while you still have the chance. Eventually the stuffing nightmares will stop. Pesky relative to avoid: Gossiping Grandma Lucy.
Libra (September 23 - October 22) This weekend you may be feeling like certain people in your life are becoming a sort of permanent wedgie, cramping your everyday style and causing you all kinds of problems. It's OK, though. All you gotta do is pick those suckers right out and get a new set that doesn't tend to ride up. Pesky relative to avoid: Redneck Cousin Tracy (and her seven kids).
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Do not, under any circumstances, move. There is something right behind you that will pounce on you if you move at this very instant. Stay totally still, and the creature will leave you be. Damn black ninja squirrels. A week from now, there is a 90 percent chance you may eat turkey. Pesky relative to avoid: Drunk Uncle Larry.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This weekend, really notice the world around you, especially the things that appear to be right under your nose. The leaves are falling, the wind is blowing and opportunity is leaving you various pinecone turkeys, hoping that you will respond before the macaroni ornaments come out and distract you. Pesky relative to avoid: Aunt Jonathan.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) You will not be in the mood for togetherness over the next week, Cappy, though it may seem unclear why. However, inspiration will strike when you see a pile of unloved, uneaten mashed potatoes that speak to your emotions. No one will notice when you take the potatoes into another room and bond with them. Pesky relative to avoid: Spiteful Grandpa Charlie.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) This is not the time to give up, Aquarius. Sunday marks the beginning of a shift in your life cycle. The shift will kick you into high gear, and you will gain momentum that will carry you all the way through the end of the semester. This shift in life cycle may or may not coincide with a dependence on caffeine pills. Pesky relative to avoid: Insidiously Racist Great-Uncle Clifford.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You just can't turn anyone in need away from you, Fish. This is a great quality to have, especially during this time of year. Unfortunately, the weekend will culminate in you finding yourself stuck inside a turkey, convinced that you are providing great assistance to all of mankind. Pesky relative to avoid: The artist formerly known as Cousin Earl.
