Aries (March 21 - April 19) There will be a peculiar noise coming from your refrigerator on Tuesday. You will ignore it until an odd smell surfaces around Thursday. You will totally intend to investigate it on Friday afternoon, but by then it will be too late. Lucky sexual position: The one-legged nun.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Jupiter in your seventh house indicates that this week will be one of utter and grotesque tedium. Every minute will feel like an hour, every hour will feel like a day ... you get the picture. If you make it through the week, there will be a small puppy waiting for you. Lucky sexual position: The runaway train.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Nobody likes a blabbermouth, Gemini. So why do you keep telling everyone else's secrets? The better question is: Why do people keep telling you their secrets? Don't let the cat out of the bag this week, or you may find yourself tied to a bag of rocks in the bottom of the Potomac. Lucky sexual position: The awkward octopus.
Cancer (June 21 - July 21) You will have a life-threatening experience with some wildlife this week. This experience will leave you shaken and embarrassed, because let's face it, what kind of wild life will you encounter on this campus? Three words: black Ninja squirrels. Lucky sexual position: The cart before the horse.
Leo (July 22 - August 22) They know what you're doing, and you should really stop if you know what's good for you. That's right, every single one of them has found out about your ridiculous habits. You may think that you can run away, but they'll find you. They always do. Lucky sexual position: The breakfast club.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Why do you wear that mask? You like your life on the farm, even if Farmer Joe threatens you daily. You'll never convince the object of your affection to do what you want, so stop trying. Instead, just concentrate on making yourself look and feel really good. Lucky sexual position: The triceratops.
Libra (September 23 - October 22) There's just something about you this week, Libra. You're on fire and everything will go quite well for you. Everything, that is, until Thursday, when your smoldering hot streak bursts into flame and your life will spin out of control. Stand near a hydrant. Lucky sexual position: The silent ninja.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Do you ever think that maybe you've been making a huge mistake? If you've had any doubts over the past weeks, now is the time to make the decision. And if I may make a suggestion, you definitely look better in the light blue shirt as opposed to the medium blue. Lucky sexual position: 69 1/2.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Happy days are here again, Sag. The past few weeks may have been times of desperation and sadness, but luckily a change is close at hand. Enjoy this week - you deserve it. Besides, you won't have another one like it for a long time. Lucky sexual position: Everything but the kitchen sink.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) Why must you always mess everything up? Way to ruin it for everyone else. Now nobody will get to see Zoinko the Magnificent at Timmy's birthday party, and it's all your fault. Your mommy is totally gonna put you in time out on Wednesday afternoon. Lucky sexual position: The prancing unicorn.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) There's nothing quite as much fun as doing something naughty, is there? This week you will be all about the adrenaline rush that comes from doing something you know is bad. Unfortunately, next week you will be all about antibiotics and celibacy. Lucky sexual position: The cock-eyed halo.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Wearing pants is totally overrated and unnecessary for a freewheeling fish like you. Embrace your newfound pants-less freedom and let everyone know how fun it is by standing uncomfortably close to them. Surely, you will make many friends. Lucky sexual position: The flying midget.
